Seventy-Three

If I waited until things got perfect around here to write, this blog would end right here and now.  Lately I’ve been on the edge of a huge deep ravine into which I  felt a bit like I’m slipping.  Then the Wonderful Counselor brought this Psalm to my mind.  It reminds me that I’m not the first one in history to think these thoughts.  He also offers a solution to these downward spiraling emotions.  My feet had almost slipped.  I had nearly lost my foothold.

It’s so easy to wish for more.   For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

The latest bloodwork and CT scan shows that Matthew’s sinuses are still being a pain and he will have to have another infusion in the near future.  At times I feel like They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong.  They are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills. 

But then I remember that  They say, “How would God know?  Does the Most High know anything?”  And I am blessed to know that He DOES.

But I’m still doubtful and compare myself to others.  People who seem like they have it all together with their laundry piles, bank accounts, child-raising, meal-planning, body type and choice of vehicle.  When I stay in this place, though, it’s a scary, slippery place to be.  I have to get out of here.

When I tried to understand all this,  it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God;

That sanctuary often becomes the place where I stop and stand on the outskirts.  All of a sudden I notice the muddy shoes, the messy hair, the worn out clothes on my not-perfect body.  So many times I walk away when I’m just one step away from entering His presence.  I let doubt overtake the truth.  I’m not good enough, I believe.  What I’m really saying is that Jesus isn’t enough.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.  When I realize my error and take in a little bit more of the depth of Christ’s love that has clothed me in perfection… I step inside His sanctuary.  The surroundings are always different.  I used to imagine that the ideal place to meet with God was on a sunny window seat with fluffed pillows and the perfect cup of tea in hand.  If I wait for that, though, I will forever stand on the outskirts of God’s presence.  Right now it’s in the middle of our house with car noises in the background and the smell of baking banana bread wafting through the air.  There is noise, so often noise, in the sanctuary.  That is when I excuse myself because I can’t possibly be in the presence of the God of Heaven.  He can only be where perfect peace and quiet exist… not clutter and mess and unbelieveably loud decibles.  When I think that way, I never live in His presence.  I slip into behaving like He’s not around, and I hurt my kids and disgust myself.  The heart of the sanctuary can be quiet, when everything around me is loud.  I’m learning.

Yet I am always with you;  you hold me by my right hand.  Hold it tighter, please.  Don’t let me forget.  Keep me from slipping over that edge.

You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  Not the best thing earth can offer compares with the peace that passes understanding.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  

Those who are far from you will perish;  you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;  I will tell of all your deeds.  I will not pretend that my life is perfectly put together.  But I can confidently say that when I live in His presence, it is a safe place to be.  Safe from discontent, despair, and doubt.  I WILL tell you about the great things He’s done for me.  I will keep on telling His deeds until I have no more breath to speak.

The Bay Island Experience

 

In all of our almost ten years of marriage, Matthew and I have moved fourteen times.  
A few of those times, it was “just” moving a bunch of suitcases from one place to another as we switched apartments, while the rest of our belongings were in storage.  I love reflecting back on each move, and how God miraculously provided for us at just the right time.  Before Elijah was born, we lived with Matt’s parents.  I was on bed rest, so his mom was helping me out with Nadine while I lived in their attic and kept busy trying to keep a little baby cooking as long as possible.  When Elijah decided to come two months early, he spent five weeks in the NICU.  That’s another story.  A month after he came home, we moved to Honduras to live for five months.  It was a huge highlight of our married life.


We lived in one room here, one room there, moving with the missionaries we were visiting, until we reached the island of Roatan, just off the Honduran coast.  When we arrived, Matthew was literally puking his guts out from sea-sickness.  The short ferry-ride to the island had done him in completely.  While he threw up over the side of the deck, I was stuck below with both kids.  No children were allowed on deck, and instead of having the support of my husband, I sat next to some wacko guy who told me stories about his fire-breathing tricks.  It was a very tumultuous beginning.

 


When we moved into our own apartment, it was one room, with a small divider that separated the kitchen from the bedroom area.  We rigged a curtain around Nadine’s bed, and Elijah started off in a suitcase before moving to a pack n’ play.

It was the magic pack n’ play, that literally fit in every space we ever needed it to fit.  The legs fall off every time we put it up, but we still use it all the time at Grandma’s house.

That apartment had two burners in the kitchen, and a sink.  That was it.  I learned how to make homemade tortillas, and shrimp that could make your mouth dance.  Lobster was like chicken, and we ate it every week.  I made no-bake cookies a lot, and I really started to miss having an oven.  Almost every day we would buy “pan dulce” (sweet bread) from a lady who came to know we would buy her delightful  bread whenever she came knocking.  We spent our days studying Spanish, swimming in the Caribbean, and praying about what we should do next with our lives.  A very definite close in chapter was going on back home, and we were headed off to California that summer.  So, in those few months, we read a lot, prayed a lot, and walked a lot!  We had two sweet babies who were 13 months apart, and whom everyone thought were twins.  
We walked to get our groceries, walked to check our email, walked to visit our friends.  It was beautiful there.  At night, when the kids were asleep, we would lock up the apartment, and walk down the pier of the motel and sit on the end, listening to the ocean below us and looking at the stars above us.

Then, one day, a family that was living in the one big apartment of the motel, moved back to the States.  Matt asked the owner if we could live there instead.  It was worked out, and we quickly packed up our bags and carried them up the stairs to the HUGE apartment.  My favorite feature?  The oven.  I also loved the winding stairs that brought you up to the living room, and the windows that were everywhere so you could see the ocean.  The bedroom was window-less, but housed a California King-sized bed in which I got lost every single night.  The living room and bedroom were basically connected, but the kitchen was not seen from the bed room.  The bathroom got so hot around mid-day that you had to dance while you peed so your feet wouldn’t burn!  But I loved it there.  I loved the crazy deck with completely unsafe measurements between the slats.  I loved how you could watch a storm coming from miles away, and how I could hang my laundry to dry in the salty breeze.


Thankfully neither of my children ever fell from that deck.  We would drag mattresses outside and play, while the ocean breezes kissed our faces.  I would make pizza twice a week, just because I could.  We also bought cheap chocolate cake mix and would sometimes make a whole cake in the oven and eat it for supper after the kids were asleep.  The other huge blessing about that apartment was that our friends before us had rigged a satelite dish onto the roof where we could connect our laptop to the internet.  No longer did we have to walk to the Yacht Club to check our email.

 I felt like we lived the life of kings.

It was so much fun when my parents came to visit us for a week.  We weren’t too homesick for anything American, but we did miss our family.  Then something changed in our schedule that made us think it would be better to come home two weeks earlier than planned.  We decided to only let my parents in on it, and to surprise everyone else.  The day before we flew back to Pennsylvania was full of craziness.  Nadine had a special little blanket that she called “Dee Dee”.  For some odd reason, she decided to throw Dee Dee into the ocean.  I was holding Elijah on the deck, so I yelled for Matt to go get it!  I knew the next day of flying would be disastrous without it.  So, he jumped in, clothes and all, to fetch Dee Dee from the sea.  Since there were no dryers, we used a friend’s hair dryer to get it as dry as possible.  Nadine loves to hear the story of Dee Dee in the sea.


Tonight  I’m awed by the countless blessings God gave us, specifically during our short time in Roatan.  I never knew how much I needed that time.  After living a whirlwind two years of marriage, with two babies born during that time, and not living on our own for at least eight months, it was God’s perfect timing to give us some undivided family time to seek Him together.  As I look back, I’m reminded in a fresh way about how God just loves to bless us with details.  Like cake mixes and ovens and Dee Dee’s.

Cinnamon of Life

Today Jack asked me to put “that brown salt” in his oats.  We know it as cinnamon.  Cinnamon.  I’m so happy to write that without a little red line underneath it, to tell me that I’ve misspelled it yet again.  At 31 I have finally mastered how to spell cinnamon.  Anyway, thinking about cinnamon and every other spice jammed into my spice cabinet, I was thinking how bland food would be without them.  Also, how boring my life would be without aspirations.  Dreams are what give my life spice.  They are the cinnamon in my oatmeal.  (I just had to spell it out one more time).

I have a lot of dreams.  I dream of my room looking like the most romantic getaway at all times, instead of just a place to sleep.  I dream of showing Matthew the cities of London and Nairobi and taking a second honeymoon in Hawaii.  One day I will run a marathon.  One day I will write a book.  Why does God give us dreams?  Tonight Matthew & I were discussing this very thing.  One reason is so we can be doing.  We don’t generally wake up, realize a dream, and fulfill it all in the same day.  It takes years of doing that thing we love to do.  So do it.

Dreams are God’s way of writing down His goals for our lives.  I think He puts them there in our hearts for reasons beyond our present understanding.  When He inspires people to do things for His glory, we have no choice but to see what amazing things He will do through them.  We can either excuse ourselves, out of fear or doubt, from plunging in, or we can buckle up for the ride of our lives.  I feel the urgency of time running out.  I feel the increase around me of time-wasting nonsense.  No one has been blessed in this century with more hours in their day than the folks before us.

Some dreams are there for fun, and we should never use them as an excuse to compare or complain. I could get frustrated that I won’t be going to Hawaii for my anniversary, or I can be incredibly joyful that I have such an amazing husband, that if we spend our anniversary eating soup in our kitchen over a game of yahtzee, I will be thankful.  I could get frustrated that my dream of having a constantly clean house will not be seen in my lifetime, or I can be amazed at the energy and imaginative genius going on all around me every day.


A beautiful moment of five children loving books and each other all at the same time.  

Some dreams are put in our hearts for a reason.  We shouldn’t ignore them or think they’ll never happen just because they seem so impossible.  I could doubt that I’ll ever run a marathon, or I can get off my butt and run a mile today.  I can say, “Such and such will never happen,” or I can do what God has put before me to do today.  With my God all things are possible.  Every day my dreams are expanding, but today is what God has given me to unwrap.  Just like reading a book, we both wait to see how it will turn out, and we are in it.

For the next few days, maybe weeks, I will be reflecting on some things that were possible with God.  Some things were providential.  Some things came about from plain old hard work and persistence.  But God is in each and every circumstance.  I tend to forget that as I  wash dishes, fold laundry, break up fights, dish out oatmeal with cinnamon in it, fill up my car with gas, make supper, sweep the floors, check email, exercise, read, then fall into bed.  We need to reflect on what He’s done, enjoy what He’s doing right now, and be excited about what He’s about to do.  I need to stop being afraid of what I can’t see and plunge gung-ho ahead with what’s in my today.  With a dash of cinnamon, of course.

That’s Why God Made the Moon

Tonight we were driving home when Elsie spotted the full moon.  “Look!  I see it!  It’s a new moon!”  She wanted her window down so she could see it even better.  “I’ve never seen that one before!”  All the way home, she just kept exclaiming over it.  I thought how God must be smiling.  Perhaps a lot of us went all evening without regarding God’s amazing creation.  But there was a little girl who worshiped and praised the God who made the moon.  We often make worship out to be something more fancy than it is.  I’m just learning that it doesn’t land at a certain time or place or have to be done a certain way.  I’m thankful for a God who accepts our worship from a pure heart.  Jesus said in John 4-:23-24

“But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.  It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That’s the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration.”

I love that Jesus spoke those words.  He only wants our true selves, adoring Him.  It may be with a guitar in hand.  It may be with our hands in a dirty pile of dinner dishes.  It may be with a pen and paper.  It may be with our feet hitting the ground as we run.  It may be with our faces bowed low to the ground, or it may be with our faces looking upwards in the night sky at the moon.

>Mr. Limpy

>So on Saturday morning Matthew ran 10 miles… well, later on his leg started to hurt, and it’s gotten steadily worse.  He took Monday off work hoping it would heal.  Now today it’s still really painful, so Dr. Beck told him he should rest it for the remainder of the week.  That’s almost like telling a fish to stop swimming.  It will be fun to have a few daddy days, but unfortunately not for the best reason!  Sometimes God tells us to rest and He will take care of the REST.  Those things we think we need ourselves in order to accomplish.  Maybe He just wants us to really depend on Him.  Isn’t that every day?  So, I’m thankful for an opportunity to be cast upon an unexpected moment to trust Him for provision, strength, and faith.