Four Times Four Plus One

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We’ve been home over a week now, and every day Matthew is stronger.  He is heavily medicated, but we are thankful!  Yesterday was his first day back at work and he still feels well.  He will begin more stringent treatments on Monday, having weekly infusions of a drug called Rituxan for a month.  This helped in the past to put him in a good place health-wise, and we pray it does this time too!

The weekend turned into a wonderful family reunion and all four of us “original” Watt kids and our families were altogether again.  Four kids has multiplied into seventeen grand-kids!  We are blessed!  Here is the cousin line-up from oldest (almost 17 years old) to youngest (two and a half).
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The “Watt girls”.  I missed the memo about the turquoise shirt.
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A collection of cell phone shots:
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My camera was balanced on a chair and pointing at a jaunty angle, but here is the whole family.  Not too bad, for staring at a big open yard and an inanimate camera.
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My sweet Betty with her baby browns.  If you ask her what color her eyes are, she will tell you: brown.
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This is one of the many reasons I love my family.  We pray for each other whether we’re apart or together.2013-09-01 19.26.34
Some of my favorite people.  I share shoes with my boys, and my daughter is the same height as me.  Life is beautifully marching right along.  DSC_3984-001

Everyone Needs Paperclips

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Being a week behind in life, what was to be our official starting week of school has been pushed to next week.  It was great being able to go to Ikea and finish off the last-minute things needed to complete our new and improved school room for this year!  (More on that another day…)

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Last night I ran into staples to bind my custom-created yearly planner.  I printed all the calendar and lesson pages (to be filled in as the year goes on) and had them bind it.  It was perfect… until it was backwards.  Thankfully she was able to trim the hole punches off the right hand side and re-bind it on the left.  It was then that I was struck with the need to buy paper-clips.  In the paperclip aisle I stared at the one row: completely sold out.  Twenty-five cents for a hundred paper clips.  What a steal!  There was no way I was going to spend one or two dollars now.  Unfortunately, every other person in Chester County must have needed paperclips this week, too.  I am still a bit irritated.  We literally have no paper clips, and the people who bought them probably only bought them because they were a quarter.

Being in need of something brings out the best and worst in us.  We can either think nasty thoughts of everyone else around us who has what we wish we had.  Or, we can experience God’s strength to power through the intense hunger or need or want we may have.

I have a friend who is going through some intense need.  Four kids, no car, mold in their house so they can’t even be there… completely relying on others to be the hands and feet of Christ.  Completely dependent on what others have to get them where they need to go and give them a roof over their heads.  I know the desire is there to give up and wish those hard things away.  In our recent stay in the hospital we were also completely at the end of our own strength and ability to do life as we normally know it.  The same friend stayed up all night that first night and prayed with me through texts, as she held my hand from afar and kept me from feeling alone.  That is why I know her faith is stronger than circumstances.  Our faith has to be more than skin deep.  When we feel the initial pain of disappointment, annoyance, or unknown, how do we react?  Do we wish it all away, or do we look up and wait in expectation for how God will work out the puzzle in which we find ourselves?

When the Israelites were brought out of Egypt, God received glory.   … He saved them for His name’s sake, that He might make His mighty power known.  He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths, as through the wilderness.  He saved them from the hand of him who hated them, and redeemed them from the hand of the enemy.  The waters covered their enemies; there was not one of them left.  Then they believed His words; they sang His praise.  In three verses, a miracle of unimaginable magnitude occurred.  The sea dried up and their problems were literally washed away.  I felt a lot like this the past few weeks.  Things that seemed impossible have happened.  God’s presence was tangibly felt through each sleepless night and raspy breath.  He literally rescued us from death.  Yet the next verses in Psalm 106 are a stark warning.  

They soon forgot His works;
They did not wait for His counsel,
But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness,
And tested God in the desert.
And He gave them their request,
But sent leanness into their soul.

When we forget what God has done for us, we start walking in our own strength and become very discontent.  Over and over, the Bible tells us to remember, remember, remember.  Set up a rock and call it Ebenezer: this far the Lord has helped us.  Write it on your forehead.  Mark it on your calendar and celebrate!  Break the bread and drink the wine.  Don’t forget.  Never ever forget.  Because when we forget, we start to want what is around us.  We wish away the desert and everything hard.  We don’t realize it, but by our forgetfulness and discontent we are never going to experience the way God wants to reveal Himself to us.  When we ask for plenty, we may be given our request, but sometimes it comes at a pretty high price.

I’ve thought long and hard about the past few weeks.  Would I trade the weeks in the wilderness for something a bit easier?  Maybe no sickness, no money problems, no pain?  It is tempting.  Yet the moment I turn my eyes towards what is easy, I sense my focus shifting towards my own strength and not the Lord’s.  My soul becomes hungry and wastes away when it is not relying solely on the Lord for every meal, every need, literally every breath.  I don’t want to forget.  I fear forgetting.  That is one reason I must write:  I must declare out-loud what great things the Lord has done for us!

So whether it is food, mounting bills, a vehicle or paperclips… if we have need, He will provide.  May our souls never become sick because we rush ahead of what God is about to do.  It is incredible both to experience God’s provision and also to be the hands and feet of Christ in practical ways.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort… We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

We Are Glad

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Sitting in the hospital gives you a lot of time to think.  Matthew has had a pretty good day, after a more scary evening yesterday.  Every moment is such a gift!  Finding joy in God’s word, humor in little things, and I did some push-ups and squats for Matthew.  Not exactly what the cardiac floor is used to, I suppose.  (By the way, his heart is great, it just helps them monitor him better by being on this floor.)
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We miss our babies, but are so thankful for family close by who are taking such good care of them for us.  We love flipping out the nurses by telling them we have five kids.  The boys made cards for Matthew and Elijah’s said, Be brave.

I jotted some funnies down from the past two weeks.

After explaining something to Jack, he said to me, I’ve been growing, and…I have listening ears now… Finally.

 

Betty is becoming more and more vocal.  A few weeks ago we were looking at the birthmark on the back of her arm and she said, I have a birk!  She loves to say, Hey, Mommy!  Hey, Mommy!  Over and over until I respond.  And then she’ll say it again.  She had an awful virus the past 10 days that affected her mouth, but I hear from Grandma that she is eating and talking just like herself now.

Elsie dreams of being a ballerina.  As she donned her ratty tutu and sparkly hello kitty shoes she told me how it all could go: You can put pony tails in my hair, go to the store, get ballerina shoes, and take me to ballerina class!  

As we were driving, I asked her to pray.  So she started praying and it went something like this:  Thank you for this day, thank you for our car… punch-buggy white!  And please help us drive safely…  I love her thought process!  She also is the best at playing punch-buggy!  A very observant little girl.

As we hang out, I’ve reflected over the past couple of weeks in pictures.

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Left to Right, starting from the top, here are some of my favorite memories of the past two weeks:

Reading Pat the Bunny on the front porch five times in a row.  Betty would always kiss the page with Daddy’s scratchy face.
Matthew fixed the over-heating problem we were having with the van!  After hours of grease and sweat, he beat the heat.
Our neighbor gave us their old queen-sized bed.  Around 10 PM the men got stuck half way up the stairs with the box spring.  Not only did they sawzall it to make it work, but then Matthew reconstructed it so we could sleep there that night.  It is SO comfortable and makes me feel like a queen!
Sick little Betty snuggling in aforementioned bed with sick daddy.
On good days, Matthew had been working on our backyard shed!  It looks so nice, and is almost finished!
Mint tea from our garden and God’s word is always a good way to start ones day.
Betty started to feel better and we had a fun little time on the trampoline while we watched Daddy work.
The older 3 kids were at Grandma Weldon’s for a couple of days.  When we went to pick them up, Elsie started laughing and crying all at once with the sheer joy of seeing them again!
Paleo fudge shaped like a heart.  What’s not to love?
Jack and Elsie comparing loose teeth in the car.
Being sick is no fun, but when you can lean on each other, it makes it a bit easier to bear.
A diet of applesauce and yogurt is made more fun when you can eat yogurt with your fingertips.
Free ice-cream and brothers.
Earning free ice-cream from the library for doing many hours of reading!
Riding the tricycle at Grandma’s house is better together!
Jack loves the color orange and his giant Tigger!  He strapped him into a car seat and everything!

My friend came by today and blessed me with this mug.  When I finished drinking my tea, there was my favorite verse written on the bottom of the cup: The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!  Psalm 126:3  He has indeed!

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Freeeeeeeeeeedoooooooommmmm!

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We are incredibly excited to announce some other news this week.  I yelled it out in the middle of the grocery store to my friend on the phone: We’re debt free!!!

Seven years of hard work, we are so thankful.  We know just as God has proved faithful to help us overcome this mountain, He will be faithful in the journey ahead.

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Now I Know How To Spell Subglottic

/ amylynw / 21 Comments

A few weeks ago, Matthew and I penciled, no, more like cemented, this week into our calendar as our vacation week.  Unbeknownst to us, God had a reason for that.

This vacation finds us in the hospital with IV steroids pumping into Matthew’s body.  Wednesday night, close to midnight, his airways started to get worse.  We hopped into the van and started driving to the ER.  About ten minutes into the drive, Matthew mouthed the word “faster” to me and so I put the petal to the metal and accepted the challenge of driving as fast as I could without one worry of being pulled over.  Escorted, perhaps, but not given a speeding ticket.  I’ve never felt life hanging in the balance so palpably before, and I prayed my heavy foot would outweigh the looming reality that death was hovering.  God’s presence strengthened my shaking hands and churning stomach.

We made it and were whisked right into the ER where he was given a breathing treatment and steroids.  Four hours later, he was admitted.  Our first hospital vacation that doesn’t involve having a baby, began.  After having a CT scan of his neck, seeing a pulmonary specialist, ENT specialist and Rheumatologist, it is evident that our dear old friend Wegener’s Granulomatosis has said hello again.  Rarely does it move to the throat, but Matthew is a rare guy so it seems fitting.  Currently, he is on high doses of IV steroids to calm down the inflammation in the subglottic region of his throat (right under his vocal chords).  Technically, he has what is called subglottical stenosis , which is a lot of inflammation under his vocal chords, leading to obstructed airways.  It explains the loss of voice, steady worsening of symptoms, and hard-to-diagnose reason for his difficultly breathing.  There are a variety of treatment options, and we are currently working with the rheumatologist to decide which route to take.  It is not a quick and easy fix.  Hopefully he can be released soon to continue treatment at home, but for now we’ll enjoy the gentle beeping of hospital machines, the untimely drawing of blood and plastic dome-covered dinners.
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Throughout this experience, we’ve been overwhelmed by the love of family and friends.

Matthew encouraged me yesterday with Psalm 46 and these thoughts:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  To the extent we suffer trouble, we experience God’s help.  We can not know God’s help unless we experience trouble.  Therefore, we will not fear.

 

Beauty That Outweighs

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I woke with a start to see him sitting in the chair in our room.  It was around 2AM, and his face had the look of death about it.  I thought someone had died and I quickly went over to him to see who.  He barely got the words out: I’m not doing so well.  My heart dropped a bit, and I sat on his lap with my head on his chest, which was tight for air.  His exhausted body finally relaxed into sleep and then rallied through for a few more days of work and life.

Every day is full of unknowns.  This is true whether you’re sick or well.  I remember the plaguing thoughts of “he might die from this” when he was first diagnosed with Wegener’s Granulomatosis, eight years ago.  I thought they had been banished but was surprised to find them resurfacing the past few nights.  The panic is very close to overwhelming when I go through the motions in my head.  Then I must remember I don’t have the grace to handle this unknown because it is just that: unknown.

Jesus only gives us the strength we need to bear what we’re going through right now.   It is sufficient grace, meaning it’s not meant to handle “what ifs” or my imaginings.  His grace is sufficient to handle the ache of seeing my husband not well.  It is sufficient to love him, love our children, and do what God tells me to do today.  It is not sufficient at this point in time to go through the motions of life without him, because he is still here.  Living in the land of What If is poisonous to one’s soul.  It is a misuse of God’s amazing gift of today when I go through the motions of death and depression when life is right in front of me.

I have faith that just as God’s grace is sufficient to sustain me through weeks of sickness, it is sufficient to sustain me through more than that.  I just need Him today, this hour, this moment, to hold me up and rejoice over me with singing.  Whatever your today is, even if it’s tainted with the sting of death, He is more than sufficient to calm your heart and sooth your ache.

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We wish you could see how all this is working out for your benefit, and how the more grace God gives, the more thanksgiving will rebound to his glory. This is the reason why we never collapse. The outward man does indeed suffer wear and tear, but every day the inward man receives fresh strength. These little troubles (which are really so transitory) are winning for us a permanent, glorious and solid reward out of all proportion to our pain. For we are looking all the time not at the visible things but at the invisible. The visible things are transitory: it is the invisible things that are really permanent.

– 2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (Phillips)

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Since writing this, Matthew is still struggling with something unknown, possibly unrelated to his chronic respiratory issues.  It doesn’t appear to be life-threatening, but not any of us is to say when our last breath should be.  We appreciate your prayers for joy and refinement through this time.  He is seeing a few different doctors at this time.

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I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery: this is why, this is why I sing.

-Jeremy Camp

The Key to Getting Found

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I hate lost things, I muttered to myself as I slouched across our bed for the umpteenth time today, tears making my cough worse.  It started with a lost library movie.  Which I found lying nonchalantly under someone’s bed.  Then when we were finally ready to actually GO to the library I noticed the keys we needed were not on my carabiner.  Thus began lost things, take two.  An hour later and still no keys, but plenty of tears, I gave up and plopped across our bed again.  Everything lost perspective, became a blur,  and I could only see annoyance, not providence.

Elijah said to me, Mom, do you think that maybe God has a reason we can’t find the keys?  I prickled at his astuteness amidst my tearing apart of our house.  Yes, I’m sure He does, but I have no idea what it is.  My voice was not exactly dripping with grace.

Yeah, He always has a reason, Elijah remarked calmly.

I wasn’t really listening to my nine-year-old and his wisdom, but I’m listening now.

My mind also wanders to a song known by many.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.  
I once was lost, but now am found; was blind but now I see.

I’m so glad Jesus doesn’t hate lost things.  He has a mind-blowing purpose for each and every one of us: lost and ugly sinners.  When we let ourselves be found by Him, we become part of the biggest search and rescue effort ever launched.  The key to getting found is to recognize you are lost.  And you know what?  He never, ever, gives up.

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Flying From The Croup

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I woke up at 9:00 this morning with a start, disproving the myth that moms can never again sleep in.  Take heart, mamas of young ones, it will happen again.  The sniffle and cough bug that’s been floating around our house took its toll on Matthew and I as well.  Since Matthew was feeling pretty sick for a few weeks now, he went to the doctor yesterday (who also happens to be our amazing brother-in-law) and he has what seems to be croup!  After a year and a half without being on prednisone, he is taking it for a week to see if it helps relieve the inflammation in his airways.  So far he is already feeling better and his regular voice is coming back.  It’s amazing how tired you can be when you aren’t breathing properly!

Roller-blades and skateboards have been the thing to do this week.  Monday they played some hockey with Daddy and yesterday they seamlessly played together like a real team.  Today has been another story, but it is encouraging to have days where the sibling glue is tight and strong and full of love.

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As I walked away from taking pictures of them, I overheard Elijah calling a “sports meeting” to order.  He really took Elsie under his wing and they teamed up on the skateboards.  Apparently she knows all sorts of tricks now from him, and she told him how much she enjoys playing with her nine-year-old brother.  He said he felt so honored.  The Bible isn’t lying when it paints up a picture of brothers and sisters living together in unity:  How good and pleasant it is!  

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We’ve recovered from Elsie’s knocked out tooth, and she got a good report from the dentist.  The croupy cough from Betty has improved greatly, though she kindly shared it with Jack, who shared it with me.  Thankful for many things this morning, though.  Another day to live, fresh promises that never grow old, new life, and strength for today.  Especially when teamwork needs a little encouragement.

Phone Dump:

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Yellow Polka-Dotted Caterpillars and Knocked Out Teeth

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A quiet, squeaky voice is all she has left right now.  The barky cough sends warning signals coursing through my mommy brain.  Betty always seems more bitty when she’s sick.  The yellow crayon band-aid was little comfort to the painful steroid shot received at the doctor this morning.  Although this is about the third day I’ve eaten lunch at two o’clock-ish, and haven’t donned my chef hat for at least as long, I’m trying to get a closer perspective.  To get outside these four walls of thinking, to see what might be lost in worry.

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Recently a friend of mine gave me a macro lens for my camera.  It basically brings into focus what the naked eye rarely sees.  I just went outside to see what I normally don’t see because I’m either too busy or unconcerned.  The mirror-like water droplets reflecting back the sky.
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Intricate geranium buds bursting with potential.
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Delicate folds of each rose petal.
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At first I only saw the daisy, then I saw the insect.
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Then I finally saw the life and death struggle between spider, victim, and concerned friend.
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At first I only saw striking orange flowers.  Then I saw their detail, like the most beautifully layered ruffles on a skirt.DSC_3141-001
Then I saw the pollen tucked under this guy as he searched for more.
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I only saw the gangling tomato plant, but then the brilliant caterpillar came into view.  His amazing colors and feet captivated my attention.
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God gives astounding attention to detail.  He dresses the flowers in ruffles and hues the best seamstresses can never replicate.  He paints the caterpillar the most amazing color of green with fun yellow dots.  He knows about our struggles and pain.  He cares about you.  Today one of our children asked me why Betty had to get sick.  I simply have no answer to that question, or any of the millions of other hurts only God knows about.

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Immediately after writing that, Elsie came inside, blood coming out from all around her mouth.  Her top lateral incisor gone, and blood still flowing, we decided to go to the ER.  Even though my mom was on her way, leaving a wheezy, crying Betty to take a crying, bloodied Elsie to the ER felt completely overwhelming.  I cried down Route 82 and onto started saying Elsie’s Bible verses out loud to her:  Do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be afraid, for I am your God.  Do not be afraid.  You are more important than many small birds.  It calmed us both down.  Two hours later, we are home, did not find the lost tooth, and she’s smiling a swollen smile.  Yes, God cares for us more than we can imagine.  He is still good, even through croupy coughs, knocked out teeth, sick kids, and difficult days.  Look at who He is closely.

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The Confession of the Pork Sausage

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This past weekend we went camping with our Gateway church family.  We were wholly unprepared, grabbing this and that as we walked out the door.  Our van has been unusable for the past almost two weeks because of cooling problems, so we were up in the air about camping, until a car became available to us.  Long story short, we spent most of our time mooching off of other people’s fires, hot water, & utensils.  I did bring my crock-pot, however.  I also managed to drive half an hour away to fetch ingredients for a soup, only to forget half of them in a bag left at the store.  I didn’t realize this until I arrived back at the camp.  So I had a little cry, then drove all the way back to the store to get the items left behind.  When I arrived, the lady told me they had just taken my things back to the refrigerated section.  This put me back into a foul mood.  In fact, I was so annoyed at the whole situation that I grabbed one extra pack of sausages just to see if they would notice.  Turns out I could have grabbed ten and she wouldn’t have cared.  Nevertheless, I felt pretty guilty about it once I stopped thinking about myself so much.  James 5:16 says to confess your sins to each other.  Have I hit the backspace button numerous times hoping I could erase the fact that I am guilty of stealing?  Why, yes.  And yes, I am a sinner saved by grace and sometimes I still act like a little kid who will do whatever it takes to get what seems fair.  I slept pretty horribly that night too.  Good thing one of the things we grabbed as we walked out the door was an extra piece of foam, or we would have been sleeping on rocks.  But, if we’re talking about getting what’s fair… I should have just rolled right over and slept on the rocks IN the rain as punishment for my awful behavior.

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Thankfully, that’s not how God works.  He disciplines us like a good parent, but He doesn’t hold our sins over our head to see how much guilt we can bear.  I was reminded of God’s grace Saturday afternoon as a group of us filed into the woods towards a small stream bed.  Our friend wanted to show his faith in Jesus Christ by being baptized publicly.  It was a beautiful sight.  Baptism will never get you into Heaven.  It outwardly symbolizes what’s been done on the inside.  Believing in Christ’s death for the forgiveness of our sins.  Believing His resurrection from the dead means we will never die but always belong to God’s family.

Somehow having an organic gathering of God’s kids out in the woods felt perfect.  Church isn’t just something that happens in a building.  It’s not about blue chairs, wooden pews, the color of the carpet or how many guitars, pianos, or drums are playing.  It has nothing to do with our hymnbook, songbook, chorus book, or prayer-book.  Church isn’t even a building.  It’s not about an hour each week to feel good about ourselves and check it off our list or make brownie points with God.  Church is His body on earth, doing what His hands did, and what He died in order for us to do.  Live.  Love.  Forgive.  Church is a group of living and breathing folks who are following Christ’s example of humility and love.  At least that is what it’s supposed to be.

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I get very deeply upset when we start making the church more important than Jesus.  When we put more effort into what’s inside four walls than what’s outside of them.  When we act one way Sunday and a completely different way the other six.  When we nitpick about the minors while the majors get shelved out of fear or embarrassment.  When we get more concerned about saving someone’s soul than we do about loving them right where they are.  I am guilty of this and so much more.  My soul is restless to be all that Jesus has been to me.