encouragement

Epiphany

/ amylynw / 4 Comments

This weekend I grasped a simple and striking reality when He talked to me.  I was doing something I often wish I could do, but is most generally impossible to do in this stage of life.  I was lying in the middle of a dandelion-covered field, on a sheet, in the sunshine.  Alone.  It was warm, and the vitamin D felt like it was pumping through my body as strongly as any intravenous solution might.  I felt as if the world was so huge, and I was so small… yet, I could imagine God looking down at the world, then zooming in right to me, just like those satellites do in the movies.  Quickly, I went from being an impossibly small obscurity in a big world, to an actual specific person.  He saw me lying on my stomach, in that field, jotting down my insecurities on a piece of notebook paper.

I went out there to pray, but couldn’t find the words.  I was so wrapped up in comparisons, insecurities, and wonderings about who I am and why.  I wrote them down, then flipped over onto my back and just waited.  I had to hear from Him.  Like the Jacob of Genesis, I told the Lord I would not let Him go or leave that spot, until He blessed me and spoke to me.  The sun warmed my skin and the voices from my paper kept intruding.  Then all of a sudden, His strong voice broke through and overpowered it all.

It was so clear.  He said, Amy, I love you for all those things.  Startled, I brought up another doubt and He said, I love that about you!  I would say yet another thing I find uncomfortable or awkward about myself and He would clearly cover over the negative with the healing words: I love that you are just that way.  You are absolutely a perfect you.  Exactly what I fashioned, exactly how I wanted you to turn out.  I love you, I love you, I love you.

The peace that passes understanding took up firm guard around my heart and mind during those moments.  As the tears flowed and the sun shone, His words burned deep impressions into my soul.   He doesn’t love us in spite of our quirks or what we tend to call mistakes in our makeups… He loves us for all those specific things.  He loves everything about you.  The color of your hair.  The formation of your jaw.  The size of your feet.  The length of your eyelashes.  The width of your hips.  The tone of your skin.  The way you laugh.  The special way you tilt your head or twist your fingers together.  Your sense of humor.  Your ability or inability to sing.  The amazing way you have with children.  Where you were born.  Who you look like.  What your style is.  When you like to go to bed.  Why your nose is the way it is.  He loves how your emotions work.  He loves how you think and what makes you tick.  He loves your smile, your taste, your mind.  He loves how you can cook.  He loves your organizational skills or lack thereof.  He loves your sanguine, your choleric, your melancholy, or your phlegmatic personality.  He loves your creativity.  Your love of colors.  Your love of black and white.  Your need of space.  Your need of community.  Your punctuality.  Your lateness.  Your eyes, your hands, your ears, your heart.  He loves you.

The only thing I can think of that He doesn’t love, is our sin.  Yes, even though He hates sin, He loves you and me, the sinner.  So often when we mess up, we beat ourselves up and forget His love which forgives.  We may feel like our face is the last thing He wants to see or think about.  Sometimes our sin is believing the lie which says we are just messed up works of clay.  Not just cracked, but severely unusable and unable to be loved.  Yet, that crack down your side is exactly where He placed it, and He loves you for it.  So if your heart is beaten and bruised by lies and insecurities, know the truth: the God who made you, loves you.  He is waiting for you to lie down in green pastures, perhaps even filled with dandelions, so He can restore your soul.

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Accidental Gardener

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

Mommy keeps getting up, Mommy never sits do-own, Elsie is singing in her little sing-song voice, as I make pancakes, flip pancakes, and feed ravenous children.  Feels true most days.  That girl is pretty perceptive.  She is also reading whole books.  She is what I call an accidental learner.  Didn’t really try to teach her, but somehow it happened.  All of a sudden she went from cat and dot, to Funny funny Jane went down with her yellow boat… or something like that.

I’m what I like to call an accidental gardener.  I tend to toss seeds in the ground, convince myself I’ll remember what I planted, and promptly forget.  I also re-potted some zucchini… or yellow squash… not sure which.  Guess we’ll find out in a couple of months!  Into the ground they went.  The tee-pee village is planted with beans, or peas, or something that climbs!  I just forget which is where.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I like surprises!

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Some surprises I don’t like in particular are those of the check-engine-light variety.  This week we’ve been stuck at home while the van was in the shop.  Then we were given the word we really expected to receive years ago: Your van is not worth fixing.  It just might crumble if they fix the list of things that need attention.  It wasn’t really a surprise, I guess.  It’s like thinking spring will never come, just because it feels like winter will never end.  Yet spring surprises us every year.  So even though it felt like our van would never die, its retirement was guaranteed.  Sixteen years old, almost 240,000 miles… it’s seen the birth of three kids and experienced the growth of five… traveled cross-country, up north, south, and west many times, and in general gets good use.  We couldn’t be more thankful.  We shopped for it when we lived in Honduras, and prayed for no one to buy it when we found it online.  Awesome story of how God provided it.  He obviously had it marked out specially for us.  And He can do that again.

After writing all of the above, life happened!  Not wanting to be known as the mommy who never sits down, today I sat down.  Not mindlessly, and not to give in to the melancholy that was swiftly setting in from anxious thoughts rising to the forefront of my mind.  I sat in the sunshine, red mug in hand, Bible open. IMG_0656

Yes, I had a chattering shadow, but I’m learning how “quiet time” in my heart doesn’t necessarily  mean it’s quiet all around me.  My eyes fell to the page, heart aching to be filled.  Hungry, like it’s been awhile since a good meal.  Colossians 3:15 filled me up: Let the peace of God rule in your hearts…and  be thankful.  A two-fold, sturdy step for my anxious heart to take hold.  First, I had to ask myself:  What else is ruling?  Myself?  Worry?  Anger?  Usually what’s in charge is the first thing that is evident to those around you and to yourself.  I knew peace was not ruling.  It felt a little bit more like uncertainty and a swiftly beating heart was ruling, every time I looked out the window at our sad, sad van.  Saying He will provide, to others, is much easier than telling it to myself.

Let the peace of God rule.  Allow it, invite it to permeate every inch of my heart.  Spread it around like flower seeds and watch it grow.  It will produce more peace every time.

Be thankful.  Oy, that’s a hard one, when all I want to do is complain, compare, and covet.  It’s non-negotiable, though.  As any grammar freak knows, this is not a question, nor a statement, nor an exclamation, but a command.  With all commands, we can choose to obey or not.  The consequences of not obeying result in all the things we fight against: complaining, comparing, and coveting.   Thankfulness brings Christ right into focus, fading out what doesn’t matter.

So, as we step into the unknown, I am reminded: my God is the God-Who-Provides.  He is never accidental in what He does.

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Up-Cycling My Day

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

I took a big girl pill yesterday and cleaned. my. room.  When I say clean, what I also mean is… you guessed is… rearrange!  As I was working in the kitchen last night I grinned when Matthew yelled down the stairs to me, You’re crazy!  Elijah, always overhearing things said,  Mom?  Did Dad just say you’re crazy?  Yes, son, he did.  That is how I clean.  I must move things.  I even got brave and threw away half of my old cassette tapes.  What are those, you ask?  Take a look see:

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When I was just a bit older than my daughter, I used to record Odyssey episodes from the radio onto cassettes.  Then I labeled them, lined them up in order and made a spread sheet of my collection.  Hand-written, of course.  See, there is a bit of organization deep within me somewhere that hasn’t been zapped by five child-births and the accumulation of clothing, food, and dishes we now produce each day.  I’m always on a quest for better organization, more purging, and up-cycling whatever has lived out its original purpose.

I went to bed on a sort of cleaning high.  Then, this morning started off with crying and fighting and pee on the floor.  My clean room was quickly forgotten and I stormed around like an angry elephant.  My tea was warmed up too many times.  I got INTERRUPTED while I tried to read my Bible.  Imagine.  Then before you know it, the mayhem began again at lunchtime.  But tucked in these harrowed time slots are moments of joy and beauty within the mess.  Jack read me an entire book.  This is huge.  So proud of him!

While someone annoyed someone else, I kept my voice down, sat the culprit on the step, then we calmly discussed how the situation could have been handled better.  This too is huge.  Inside I’m a door-slammer and a foot-stomper, so when the outside stays calm, this is a huge victory that I praise God for strengthening me to do!

Betty, though potty-trained for a few months now, had been pooping in her pants a lot.  The past few days it’s gone into the potty, not the panties, and she chatters about the treat she will get after she’s done.  Two chocolate chips were never better earned!  Saving wipes and mommy’s sanity is indeed something to celebrate!

So, though every moment is to be celebrated because we’re alive to breathe it, we often don’t.  I think about Boston, and how a few runners were just about to the finish line, on the biggest high of their day, when everything erupted into chaos and horror.  Life does that to us.  We don’t know what our next moment will bring.  We can not act surprised, though when things get dirty and horrible and messed up.  In this life, you will have trouble.  But take heart, I have overcome the world!  (John 16:33)  This means that trouble is guaranteed.  But something else is for certain as well: Jesus has overcome the world by His death on the cross!  He has… it’s already done.  Since it’s a finished work, we don’t have to wallow in the darkness, sorrow, and disappointment that comes our way.  He is there to calm our voices, steady our minds, and lighten our hearts.

When a day is all wrong and we want a new one, we have to remember we’re only given today.  Through Christ, we can have courage and victory, because He already has.

It’s A Colorful One

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When trampolines come back into daily play, and the fridge once again empties without notice, it is a sure sign everyone is well again.  I am so thankful! DSC_8433-001

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I’m not sure everyone else is glad to be back into full-time schoolwork again, but they’ve been doing well.  It’s fun to catch them having fun while doing school. DSC_8640-001
Last Sunday we spent the day with Matt’s family.  The kids were well-entertained (maybe a bit too much so) with ginormous lollipops from a friend’s wedding.  After much licking, Elsie stuck out her tongue and said, Dad, look at my tongue!  It’s a colorful one, isn’t it?
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Tucked inside my week are always many excitements, unplanned occurrences, etc.  One such event involved smelling smoke from upstairs.  My internal Mommy smoke-detector went off and I ran downstairs to investigate.  An unnamed culprit had burned some papers inside the recycling bin.  Rightly scared, they took it outside to extinguish it better without further smokeage.  Fortunately no harm was done.  Unfortunately for them, Mom’s nose never lies.

We have hit the “When-it-gets-quiet-you’d-better-go-check” stage again.  This time it is with little Betty.  Powder all over her room.  Markers all over her body.  Oats all over the floor.  Scissors in hand.  It’s all or nothing, baby.  She wears her little pink flip flops backwards.  She works hard in the garden.  In addition to the messes and disasters throughout each day, another thing is for certain: at night, all is at rest, they are still, and we relish the gift of sleep.  The only thing they’re chasing are their dreams.

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The roller skates have come out in full force along with the crocuses and tulips.
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It’s hard to believe this little guy will be seven years old in three days!
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Sometimes when the snot is running, the tempers are ranting, the fridge is emptying, and the feet are stomping, I forget to breath.  Yet when those little arms squeeze my neck and those eyes look up at me with a grin, the snot and mess fades away.  In the really challenging moments, they need love.  Sometimes love is jumping on the trampoline until your hair stands on end.  Sometimes it looks like pancakes made from scratch.  Sometimes it means lying next to them way past their bedtime and reading one more book.  Sometimes it’s a sticky lollipop… a really big colorful one.

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At Least

/ amylynw / 1 Comment

I recently read an article which mentioned how saying At Least, when you’re about to blow up about something, can really help keep perspective.  See, keeping my cool doesn’t come naturally.  When several things bombard me each day to test my resolve, it’s not easy to keep the decibels low and the attitude right.  I’m finding at least has helped me tremendously not to dive-bomb into discouragement, anger and defeat.

Discovering my keys were locked in the van yesterday morning… again, I was upset.  At least I didn’t have to be anywhere, and many things were accomplished by being home all day.  In addition, someone else was able to find joy in helping me out of my predicament.  At least I have policemen for my friends!

Then last night I was moving the plastic slide from one spot in the yard to another.  The orange part came unattached and slammed down on my wrist.  It is still throbbing.  At least I can still move my arm.  At least my body knows how to heal.

Betty and the boys have been hanging out almost all week together while the older girls have had some time with Grandma Weldon.  Currently, they are practicing knife-throwing at a wooden target outside.  It was one of those moments where I almost told them they couldn’t do it.  Then I thought, at least they’re not playing video games and at least they’re outside and learning a skill.  I love that the target they drew is the Alley Cat.  The dreaded feline that poops in our garden and makes mommy mad.  Don’t worry, they won’t really kill it, all you cat-lovers out there.

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When I told them to get dressed, they reappeared from downstairs wearing the exact same clothes they wore yesterday.  The outfits that were just stuffed into the laundry basket after their bath last night.  When confronted with this information, I was answered in typical boyish fashion: But this is my favorite shirt!  I thought, why not?  What is the big deal, anyway?  At least there are two less outfits I need to wash this week.

Earlier in the week, we enjoyed a trip to the Franklin Institute with cousin Brian.  Betty stayed with Grandma Watt and we had a fabulous all-boys day, complete with Five Guys for the three guys.

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Betty is growing into her two-year-old-self very comfortably.  She’s learned how to utilize the faucet mechanism of her tear ducts and can turn them on and off quite quickly if she so desires.  Along with her strength of will and determination to communicate, she is growing in other areas too.  Going potty, getting herself dressed as much as she can, and sitting at the table more and more are just some of the ways she’s growing up.  When she cleans up, she does it 100 percent.  I will need this girl to keep me in line when I’m old and grey.

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On the flip side, when she makes messes, she does so 100 percent.  Take the tube of toothpaste all over the chair as one instance.

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She loves to eat wockles… or waffles.

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Elsie has been enjoying her pink robe.  She falls asleep in the funniest positions.  She is also full of the funniest things to say.  Look mom!  I can move my eyeballs!  She told me the other day, while she raised her eyebrows up and down.  Putting her hand over her heart, she told me, Mommy, my heart is beeping.

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Nadine is either exactly as tall as me, or a little taller.  She is good at taking her little sisters under her wing, though loves having her own space as well.  She loves a good s’more.  It is crazy to think how we’ve experienced a snowstorm, gardening, and roasting marshmallows, all in one week.  Yes, s’mores was our supper that night.

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As the clouds roll over the sun today, I’m reminded of a Friday no one thought was good, two-thousand years ago.  Day turned into night as God the Father left Jesus to suffer alone.  Our sin was too great for Him to see.  Then, darkness, sorrow, death.  Everything we experience without Jesus.

Then, the greatest AT LEAST in history.  At least it wasn’t the end.  God’s plan was finished, yes, but it was not the end.  At least after Friday, there comes Resurrection Sunday!  Jesus Rose From The Dead Day, as my brother-in-law has so fitly renamed it.  It’s not about eggs or jelly beans or hollow chocolate bunnies.  When Jesus rose from the dead, He did something no other god has done.  Because He didn’t stay dead, He gives us real victory over sin, real freedom from what trips us up, and real life from death.  At least it didn’t end on Friday.  Praise God!

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Hidden Treasure

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

Spring always surprises me, and I love to be surprised.  As I cleaned out the garden beds yesterday, I saw this gorgeous crocus.  I acted as if someone had jumped out at me from behind a tree and I hollered out loud.  I knew they were out there somewhere, but when I spotted it, it still surprised me.  I love to be surprised.  Have I said that before?

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It reminds me of one of my favorite Bible stories.  Joseph’s story is chock full of surprises.  The part of the story I’m thinking about came to mind because I read it this morning.  Joseph’s brothers had left Egypt and their brother Simeon behind, to bring grain back to their families who were close to starving.  When they stopped for the night to feed their donkeys, they found their money in the mouth of the opened sack.  It says they trembled.  This was not a good deal, this was more of a nightmare.  Their lives were at the mercy of the harsh-speaking ruler, who was actually their brother!  The story gets better.  When they have to return to buy more grain, they take double what they owe, in addition to their youngest brother, Benjamin.  Joseph intimidated them so badly and squeaked out every drop of family information he could get so he could see his little brother again.  What must those ten brothers have been thinking as they took the long trek back to Egypt?  What must Simeon have been thinking as he sat in jail for weeks on end, pondering his past crime of selling Joseph to a bunch of slave traders?

When they arrive at last and present themselves before Joseph, he throws a feast for them.  Confused, they tell the man in charge of Joseph’s house about the money mix-up.  This is my favorite part:  Don’t be afraid.  Your God and the God of your father has given you treasure in your sacks.  A shock indeed.  Not only were they off free and clear, the Egyptian handed glory over where glory was due: God Himself!

The brothers weren’t even close to being done being surprised.  At the meal, Joseph had them sit in birth order.  Benjamin was given five times as much as anyone else.

Then, when it was time to leave, Joseph ordered his steward to put an enormous amount of food in their sacks, plus their money.  Again.  He also told him to put his special silver cup into Benjamin’s sack.  This led to a planned-out donkey chase as Joseph ordered his steward to catch his brothers and find his silver cup.  Of course, it was found in Benjamin’s sack.  Of course he was the one and only son they had promised their father would come home without a scratch.  So, they loaded up their donkeys and all headed back to face the wrath of the strange emotional ruler who was generous yet harsh.

Then, the biggest surprise of all.  Joseph orders every person out of his presence except his brothers and drops a bomb shell on them.  Weeping, he tells them he is Joseph, their brother.  The Bible says they were speechless and terrified.  Can you imagine?

I’ve never been surprised quite like that.  But so often we are surprised when God blesses us.  He is often looked at as the One who takes away, and we forget all He gives.  Sometimes we think of Him as harsh, when He is really just testing us to know what is in our hearts.  We all have treasures in our sacks.  Our musty, dirty messed up lives are brimming with what we need to live.  In addition to that, there is treasure.  Every day there is treasure.  Not of the money kind, but of the eternal kind.

We must be open in order to receive.  We must be empty in order to be filled.  He has given us treasure in our sacks.

Tell those rich in this world’s wealth to quit being so full of themselves and so obsessed with money, which is here today and gone tomorrow. Tell them to go after God, who piles on all the riches we could ever manage—to do good, to be rich in helping others, to be extravagantly generous. If they do that, they’ll build a treasury that will last, gaining life that is truly life.  And oh… guard the treasure you were given! Guard it with your life. Avoid the talk-show religion and the practiced confusion of the so-called experts. People caught up in a lot of talk can miss the whole point of faith.  Overwhelming grace keep you! – 1 Timothy 6:18-20

This priceless treasure we hold, so to speak, in a common earthenware jar—to show that the splendid power of it belongs to God and not to us. We are handicapped on all sides, but we are never frustrated; we are puzzled, but never in despair. We are persecuted, but we never have to stand it alone: we may be knocked down but we are never knocked out! Every day we experience something of the death of the Lord Jesus, so that we may also know the power of the life of Jesus in these bodies of ours. Yes, we who are living are always being exposed to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may be plainly seen in our mortal lives. We are always facing death, but this means that you know more and more of life.  – 2 Corinthians 4:7-12

 

Bright Hope

/ amylynw / 1 Comment

I can’t shake the chill from my fingers.  This is the umpteenth time I’ve warmed up my daughter’s heart-shaped rice bag and snuggled it close.  Was it really a week ago that my legs were burning as I bushwhacked my way up a thorny hillside to behold a sight so beautiful it made every scratch worth it? DSC_6488 DSC_6516-001 Was it really only a week ago we were on the beautiful Haitian shoreline, snorkeling in the ocean, and crisping under the Caribbean sun? DSC_6582-001 DSC_6597-001 I remember our last night there but it collides with my today so jarringly, I wonder if it really happened?  Ocean breezes collide with winter chill.  Adventure seems to have made way for monotony.  New sights have been replaced by similar surroundings again.  As clichéd as it is, last week feels like a dream.

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My body is jet-lagged not from time, but weather.  It’s impossible to write even a summary of our week in Haiti.  I could go through my journal and tell you each thing we did or ate, but I don’t think that would be profitable.  I’d rather reflect on the ways God worked in my heart and showed Himself to me. Before leaving, our entire family was plagued with the great throw-up bug.  In between washing sheets and blankets and every conceivable surface, I attempted to pack.  How it got done is only by God’s grace.  I had pictured myself cleaning our house and leaving it pristine and tidy, with love notes tucked in different places for Matt to find while we were gone.  I left the house a complete mess.  Not one single love note, not even scribbled on the mirror.

One of my worst fears was getting sick while we were in Haiti.  The second our plane landed, Nadine threw up.  The day after we arrived, I was hit with terrible diarrhea.   I prayed for God to take it away and He did, just before we left on our first outing into the village.  The next night I was hit with a fever and went to bed shivering and sweating all night long.  The next day we traveled to the Moringa field where CPR-3 is working.  I was not about to let a fever get in the way of  the day. The moringa tree is literally a miracle from God.  Check out the amazing benefits it provides, here.  Revelation 2:22 paints a little picture of Heaven and describes another miraculous tree:  And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. DSC_5533-001 This verse implanted itself on my mind the entire day we chopped down moringa trees.  I ate their leaves and prayed for healing from the fever.  The whole day was a blessing.  We sweated and learned more about each other, and eventually I did get well.

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God took my worst fear and showed me that His grace is sufficient in our weakness.  I felt His care through my team around us, encouraging and caring for Nadine & me.  There are many fears that throw themselves at us each and every day.  This week I was reminded: you are still here, because God wants you here.  Not that I feel as if I was facing death, but many are, and we never know what tomorrow may bring.  If we rest in God’s promise of now, and do not fear what we can not see, our hearts can be at peace.Haiti Day 6

That is enough to jump for joy and be full of hope.

Strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow;
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand besides.

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A Snake in My Garden

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

I have a favorite book called There’s a Snake in My Garden, by Jill Briscoe.  I remember seeing it on my mom’s bookshelf in Africa and came by my own copy later in life.  Not until recently has that realization really hit home.  Knowing there is an enemy and feeling his slithering evil are two different experiences.  His whispers are believable yet untrue.  His enticements are tempting, but always destructive.  Temptations are shiny on the outside but ugly on the inside.  Sweet to the taste, but leave us throwing up and bent over with pain.  Temptation in and of itself is not sin, but just like a seed only needs some water and light to grow, it doesn’t take much for temptation to grow into more.  The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

That is the good news.  The gardener of our hearts doesn’t turn His back on us, lock the door and let us fend for ourselves.  When we start fending for ourselves, is when everything falls apart.  Thinking I can handle temptation on my own strength is recipe for complete failure.

Jesus isn’t looking to condemn us.  He is looking to free us.  Confession and repentance lead to forgiveness and healing.  Don’t let the ripple effect of sin reach its tendrils into every facet of your life.  The yucky part is confessing our sins to one another.  Even more yucky, though, is if we don’t.

This week I’ve experienced love, healing, and growth.  The snake isn’t dead yet, but he is defeated and he knows it.  He surely wants to ruin us while he has a chance, but Jesus is stronger.  Sin is broken.  He has healed us.

The Snow Angels Declare

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All week  I’ve been watching my little geranium about to bloom on the kitchen window sill.  This morning it was fully open.  It’s simply breathtaking to see a burst of living color in the dead of winter.  My eyes look at it, feeling starved.  I can’t stop drinking in its color and life!

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Now the snow is falling.  Of course the boys went right outside to play in it.  I happened to look out of the laundry room window to see them smiling at a pair of snow angels they just made.  I gave them a thumbs up and they grinned even bigger.  A few minutes later I heard their voices at the front door asking me to come and see something.  My first thought was, No thank you, I’d rather not risk being bitten by the snow.  However, an excitement in their voices drew me past even my annoyance of the cold.

Mom!  We made snow angels down the WHOLE sidewalk!  Sure enough, they did.

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When I turned to come back inside, Elijah said, Now everyone can see how great the glory of God is!

I am speechless.  What a way to look at everything we do.  All for the glory of God, so everyone can see how great and awesome He is!

God’s Holy Equation

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

The icy air seeps through my gloves which clutch the steering wheel.  I mutter under my breath as I pull the wheel with every muscle fiber in my upper body, just to get out of the parking space.  The inside of his truck reeks of glue and wood and stain.  The darkness of the evening hides what I know is everywhere: dust & dirt from a working man’s truck.  The stick shift comes naturally, but every change of gear is a bit precarious because of everything I’m trying to balance on my short drive.  A big red plate of cookies, half-way fitting on the dashboard, slides as I make my first left turn.  Instinctively I grab it with my right, still making the hard left turn up-hill.  I quickly remember that it is a two-handed job to turn this beast, and I shove the plate onto my lap before it’s too late.  Again, I grumble at the hardship.  My arms burn from making one left turn.  I sit and think about him.

The icy feeling is in my heart too, you know, not just my fingers and toes.  This gift called marriage is work, they told us.  Eleven years ago I wasn’t sure I believed them.  How can something so amazing, so right, and so beautiful take work?  Doesn’t it come naturally?  Don’t the feelings just fall into place?  You know the answer, as sure as my arms were burning.

Sometimes the drifting is over days or weeks or months.  Other times it’s from one hour to the next.  Suddenly he’s there and I’m stuck over here and there’s a bridge somewhere but I’m too tired to find it.  I clutch the steering wheel harder, hoping my fingers will get warmer.  There’s no heat in this thing, and I keep the bad words from coming out of my mouth.

It seems impossible  not to let my feelings match up with the cold.  Like a game of memory, I flip them both over and stack them up beside me.  Inside me.  I turn them over again and again.  Before the stack gets any higher, I arrive at my destination.

Warmth overwhelms me.  Physical, yes, but it reaches into my soul.  Friends, sisters, they are changing the game.  I keep flipping over matches, but they’re the opposite of what I’ve been seeing.  Love coupled with warmth.  Another toasty card is matched up with care, then listening ears, then more love.   The unity and power of love can not be squelched.  The chill is dissipating from my soul.  My heart beats faster for him.

As I walk back to the dusty, rusty truck, I’m jolted back into winter from the brief oasis of warmth I’ve experienced.  Yet something has changed.  Love changes us.  It certainly trumps this eery, distant feeling that’s etched itself all over my heart.  I quit the game of selfishness and throw my towel at the frigid feelings trying to squelch my desire.  Once home, I crawl into our cozy bed and pray over his sleeping warm body.  Then as if from God Himself, the bridge we needed but couldn’t see from cold and selfish hearts, opens up between us.  The gap is closed.   God’s holy equation of two equaling one, melts my chill hard heart into worship.

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