faith

Got Baking Soda?

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This week has been what I would call a baking soda week.  Sometimes when you’re eating a really delicious cookie, all of a sudden you bite down on a mouthful of baking soda.  No matter how marvelous that cookie tasted one moment ago, even the memory of it is temporarily spoiled by that one bitter bite.  Friday started it off.  We excitedly took a train into the city and blissfully enjoyed a day with the three older kids, while Grandma watched the younger two.
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We saw the light show at Macy’s, then headed to the Franklin Institute where Nadine and I saw the Titanic exhibit, while the boys watched the Hobbit. 2012-12-13
Elijah got to blow up a balloon with fire.  He was a great sport during the chemistry class.
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We hopped on buses, took tons of pictures, and enjoyed every second.
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I noticed a flag at half-mast, but since we are disconnected while out and about, I had no idea what had been happening in CT while we happily rode the train.  It was a bitter bite to swallow once I read the news that night.

Then Sunday rolled around, and I excitedly got my special Christmas outfit on, threw clothes on the kids that hopefully weren’t too torn or stained (it’s inevitable on Sunday mornings that these articles of clothing surface the most) and Matthew made me a nice big cup of hot tea to take in the car.  We had five minutes to get to church since the kids were singing, and as we happily started to pull away from the curb, what would happen?  Why, of course: the handle of my mug broke completely off and the entire cup of scalding tea (now it is no longer hot, it is scalding) spilled all over my specially-picked-out dress.  The tears immediately sprung, no, gushed out of my eyes.  I took my handle-less mug, yanked open the van door, slammed it (yes, I struggle with this even still), stomped up to the front porch crying… then stomped back down the stairs and sort-of intelligibly told Matt to get the kids to church on time and come back and get me.

That was really bitter on a morning that started off so incredibly sweet.  However, I am blessed to own more than one outfit, and so thankfully was able to still go to church, albeit late, and hear our children sing their sweet hearts out for Jesus.  The bitterness faded.

Then all of a sudden we were plunged into the week before Christmas.  How did this happen?  I’m loving the late-night sewing sessions, but the time is really going too fast for my liking.  I had a very bitter moment today when the long hours of Christmas preparations were “spoiled” after somebody saw my secret stash of presents.  Something about it just got to me so much that every single last ounce of sweetness turned into a bitter, unable-to-swallow pill.  I lost it.  The snotty mess that I was turned into even more of a mess when I experienced yet again the deep forgiveness children offer to their sinful parents.  God has quite a way of reflecting His grace through our kids.

God is actually in the business of turning bitter into sweet.  It’s not His purpose for our lives to be bitter and full of despondency   In Exodus 15, when the Israelites came to the bitter waters of Marah, God provided a way to sweeten the water and meet their need.  He also causes beauty to rise from ashes and mourning to turn into dancing.  His specialty is turning what others meant for evil, into good.  So often we focus in on that one bitter bite.  Yet we must remember: there is a reason for every sadness, every trial, every hurt, every tear.  We might not know it on this side of eternity, but we have to trust our Father because He is good.  God is good because that is who He is, not because of what He does or does not do.  He never tires of our tears and in fact He holds them all in a bottle.  (Psalm 56:8)  This week I thought maybe that bottle would be close to overflowing.  Yet He never stops unfolding grace upon grace on this child of His.
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The Gift of Need

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I’m not sure how many people know, but Nadine & I are planning on going to Haiti in February for a short mission’s trip.  We have seen God providing for us through many incredible ways.  We were able to send away for our passports two weeks ago, and are eagerly waiting for them to arrive.  As I pray for God to prepare my heart, I am finding that He’s not doing it in ways I was expecting.

The past few months have been an incredible ride of faith.  By incredible, I don’t mean that it’s been smooth-sailing, bump-free, or fear-less.  It’s been more like a wild stomach-losing ride that’s left me breathless and wondering how I’ll make the next turn, or the next day.  It’s been a constant leaning on the Man in the boat.  I have, at many times, panicked instead of trusted.  I’ve cried out, We’re perishing!  When in reality we are just being rocked a bit.

As part of my preparation, I’ve been feeling very needy.  Not exactly what I had in mind, God, I think.  Especially three weeks before Christmas.  Yet He’s been telling me this: needy is a good place to be.  It allows room for God to meet us and others to bless. Yet it’s hard to admit need, isn’t it?  Hard to let God take me where I feel uncomfortably dependent on Him alone.  Hard to be in a spot where I’m accepting other’s help instead of offering my own.  A lot of times, people have no idea they’re even doing it.  I can’t express it enough: we need to listen to the Holy Spirit’s promptings.  They might just be the echo of someone’s prayer in need.  Twenty dollars tucked in an envelope… no one knew the gas tank was empty and there were places to go.  A gift card for some coffee… no one knew how badly this mama needed that break.  A meal… no one knew the fridge was empty.  A letter, a comment, an encouraging word… no one knew how many doubts have risen up to try to break down this heart with discouragement.  Generosity trumps need.

We each have our own poverty.  It is a difficult thing to embrace.  Yet I think it is something which brings us closer to the power of God.  When we have an empty, impoverished part of our life or soul, God is able to fill it.  If we have need of nothing, then we have no need of God.  This must be why Paul said that he would glory in his weakness.  We often think of poverty as the obvious famine-ravished country in Africa.  Yet there is more to poverty than just a hungry belly.  Sometimes it is financial: five dollars left in the bank, with bills still arriving in the mail.  Sometimes it may be more hidden: a relationship which is torn, a loneliness that is insatiable.  Sometimes it is a poverty of the spirit and soul, a feeling like there is nothing left to give, nothing to offer. God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for Him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.  (Matt. 5:3)  We are blessed.  No longer self-sufficient.  God’s blessings are more meaningful because He is able, in our poverty, to meet our need.   When we experience poverty, that is when we experience God’s power to provide.  And when we’ve experienced that power, it is impossible not to give back to God and touch others in need along the way.DSC_7094

An Expression of Light

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My favorite thing about Christmas decorations are lights.  I could exist the entire month of December with just little white lights to shine each night.  Today the first surprise in our stocking revealed that we were getting a Christmas tree today!  We have traipsed many a farm, and though that may be in our future again, we tend to stick to Produce Junction, where the trees are inexpensive and hardly ever drop their needles.  Our top farm-traipsing trip had to be in California when we chopped down, and very carefully drove home, a 17-ft Christmas tree.  The second best year was when I went with a friend and our (then) four kids and we were chosen to get a free tree.  I picked out as big a tree as we could manage, and basked in the fact that it was a gift.  I love big trees, and maybe one year we’ll have another huge tree with a thousand lights, but this year I really like the one we have.  Before we could decorate it, we pulled out all our strings of lights.  Dead.  Or half-dead, which is as good as dead.  So, off Elsie and I traipsed (see, we got our traipsing in after all!) to get some more lights.

The first thing we do is string the lights.  At the beginning God expressed himself. That personal expression, that word, was with God, and was God, and he existed with God from the beginning… In him appeared life and this life was the light of mankind.

Of course when it came time to hang up my banister lights, the same thing happened.  Half-lit strands.  I finagled big time, and made it work without traipsing this time.  The light still shines in the darkness and the darkness has never put it out.

Then amid all this joy, a despondency overwhelmed my spirit.  I think it was the end of a long, draining week, finally catching up to me.  I think it was the sight of my woolly husband, so kindly offering to make me oven-fried chicken because that is what I was craving.  (No, I’m not pregnant).  I think it was the beauty of so many white lights.  I know it was the realization that no matter how I feel, Emmanuel,  God with us, was there.  Sadness at my human-ness and short-comings, blended together with the awe and joy of God with us, then mingled with my salty tears.  So the word of God became a human being and lived among us. We saw his splendour (the splendour as of a father’s only son), full of grace and truth.DSC_8941-001

Month of Socks

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In last-minute fashion, I prepared our annual sock calendar Christmas countdown tonight.  We always manage to have at least 24 lonely socks by December, and they are usefully re-purposed    Instead of warming toes, they carry special secrets and surprises for the kids to find throughout the month of December.  When I asked them if they wanted to try something new this year, there was a resounding no way!  I think the socks are here to stay.  There will be cards in each one with a clue about what we’ll be doing that day, or directions to something they’re supposed to open, or coupons good for special treats.  Some will involve people outside our family, some won’t.  I’m not as good of a planner as I am a dreamer.  I was taking down our Happy Birthday banners from the past two months of birthdays, in the same hour I was putting up our Christmas socks.  But I ‘m thankful the kids roll with my haphazard ways.
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I don’t feel real pressured into the commercialism of this season.  I am more drawn to the man in the boat who slept through a wicked and wild storm, then firmly but surely rebuked the chaos into complete submission.  I would much rather possess the peace He came to bring, rather than the crazed yet drained look I sense in people’s eyes in line at the grocery store.  I’m drawn to the baby wrapped in rags, lying where a cow had just eaten its last meal.  I’m drawn to Him because He calls me to come and follow Him.  Where He is, there is much calm and contentment.  This is where I need to abide.
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Don’t Just Try… DO.

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This week at church we were challenged name ourselves as we perceive ourselves to be.  Much like Thomas the Doubter, or Marvin the Stingy, or Lois the Lazy.  What we often don’t claim to be true, is the fact that when we are in Christ Jesus, we are a new creation!  The old has passed away!  Yet we cling to our old name.  We refer to ourselves by a name that is dead, and pass by the new name God has given us.  I am Amy the Quitter.  When things get too hard, I give up.  When circumstances seem impossible, I tend to doubt God is really in it.  When  I’m tired of doing something, I stop doing it.  I’m still fitting into my new name of Amy the Doer.  Even when things get tough, impossible or no longer fun… I must keep going.

In Judges 6, we’re introduced to a man named Gideon.  Threshing wheat in the wine-press  he is hiding from his enemies.  God calls out to Gideon and meets Him right where he is: lonely and fearful.  He reassures him: The Lord is with you.  Then He names him:  mighty man of valor!  Gideon doesn’t respond very valorously.  He doubts– a lot.  He complains some.  He whines a little.  He makes excuses.  He even tries to convince God that He has named the wrong guy.  At last, he puts God to the test, to see if He really is who He says He is.

When Gideon finally perceives he was indeed speaking face-to-face with God Himself… a Theophany of Jesus in the form of the Angel of the Lord… he is afraid.  Again.  The Lord comforts him with the perfect words: Peace be with you.  Do not fear, you shall not die.  Gideon builds an altar to the Lord and calls it, appropriately, The-Lord-Is-Peace.  Gideon’s story continues and he does go on to do what God told him He would accomplish.  He occasionally slips back into his old identity of fear, but God is so gracious to remind him of how He sees Gideon–  able to fight victoriously.

God uses our weakness not to define who we are, but to magnify His strength and power in our life.

He doesn’t pick at us, like we so often do ourselves.  Are you fearful?  Let Him be your courage.  Are you tired?  Let Him be your strength.  Are you weak?  Let Him be your power.  Are you believing the lies of the enemy?  Let His truth fill your mind.  Is your life feeling rather chaotic?  Let Him be your peace.

For Gideon, being a mighty man of valor didn’t mean he never felt fear again.  He did, but he consciously claimed God’s promise of being with him, and he actively stepped out into fearful situations, relying on God’s power for victory.  For me, being a doer doesn’t mean I will never feel like giving up again.  I must consciously rely on God’s strength to step out and finish tasks He has told me to do.  I can’t keep drifting back to my habit of giving up.  I know He is gracious and will provide His own power to will and to do His good pleasure.  He also provides people to come alongside and encourage me to keep going.

So, off I go to DO what needs doing today!  I have been given the gift of today, and the incredible power of God to DO things… both great and small.

Love Does

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One of my favorite books is by Bob Goff, called Love Does.  Today my life felt like a chapter in that book.  This morning I woke up to the beeping of my phone and this text from a friend: Dear Weldons, would you like to come spend the day with us?  We will make you a pancake breakfast, we will get your laundry started, and then we’ll get to work on school stuff.  We would love to have you!  I went to bed wondering what the day would hold.  I woke up so incredibly touched by this practical invitation.  Love does.  Today at lunch, at a full table of a dozen children and two mommies, Nadine thanked the Lord that our water was off so we could enjoy the day with our friends!  I’m also thankful that I can run over to another friend’s house and go to the bathroom at any hour.  I’m thankful for the offers of showers and baths.  Sometimes we think about how we could help others, instead of just doing it.  Being on the receiving end of love in action is incredible, but not even as much as being on the giving end.  He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.  Prov. 11:25  Getting outside our comfort zone is awkward sometimes.  It might involve having some un-bathed family raid your house and cupboards.  It might not even be that dramatic.  But when we love practically and specifically, we bless in eternal measures.  Pressed down, shaken together, running over kind of blessings.

Stormy Miracles

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What is there not to be thankful about?  Today at church we heard a riveting story by a man named Terry Caffey.  Click on his name to read his story.  I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for my family.  Though our basement has a layer of smelly sewage on the floor, our water is turned off, and we have to walk to our neighbors to go potty, these are insignificant challenges in light of many things.  I am thankful for the moments together, even the moments of hair-tingling annoyance or when it seems like things will never be quiet… I am thankful.  God is good.  When heaven seems silent, when the waters are stormy, when the boat is rocking and we feel the strength of our problems overwhelming every corner of our heart… He is there.  God uses the storms in our life to show His greatest miracles.  He has a purpose for my life and yours.  He is working behind the scenes on things we cannot even begin to dream about.

Giant Generosity

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Today I’m thankful for wonderful neighbors, especially Jen, who is this magical gardener.  I’m thankful to drive past her house whenever I come home, and whenever I drive or walk by, I feel as if I’m transported out of the city to somewhere beautiful.  I’m thankful for the ginormous pumpkin she gave me.  It made five pan-fulls of roasted chunks, and five blender-fulls of puree!  It could feed our family for a week, I think.  I’m thankful for generosity shown to us through our family in Christ.  God loves a cheerful giver!  So many times we wonder at what He wants us to do.  Usually He is just nudging us towards small, everyday acts of kindness, generosity, and selflessness.  He loves that.  It reflects who HE is to us.  I want to reflect who He is to others.

All Is Not Small

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Today I’m thankful for just enough flour in the cupboard to make cinnamon rolls.  Nothing is more fall-y than hot tea with cinnamon rolls.  I’m thankful that God doesn’t change, no matter what the calendar reads, the critics say, or the bank account shows.  I’m thankful that He knows my name and never leaves me, no matter what I’ve done or how I feel.  He is totally worth celebrating and remembering.  Bless the Lord, all my soul, and forget not all His benefits; who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.  (Psalm 103:2-3)

Confessions of A Mom

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Today I’m thankful for the stages of life that my children are all going through.  I love watching them learn and grow and become their own little persons.  I’m thankful that with each soul born into our family, my heart has not grown more cluttered, just more full.  Today I struggled with the noise level of my day.  Yet I’ve been reminded that even though my life is never quiet, my heart is at peace.  I wonder what it would be like to have neatly lined-up shoes in front of the door, and two loads of laundry a week.  I wonder what it  would be like if my counter-tops were always spotless and my bathroom sink never had toothpaste smeared all over it.  Would that truly make me happy?  No, I realize that picking up the zillionth shoe is a privilege, honor, and gift from God.   I realize that the random shirt stuffed under the sofa, the mysterious smell coming  from the bathroom, the gum stuck to the floor, the empty fridge yet again, are all marks of tremendous blessings.  I have five little bodies that stumble down for a hug each morning.  I have been given five hearts to love and tell about Jesus, the lover of their souls.  Forgive me, Lord, when I cringe at the messes instead of embracing the mess-makers.  Forgive me for blocking out my ears to their voices instead of joining in the clamor.  Forgive my ungrateful heart and create in me a clean heart, O God, ready to hug, listen, and love.  I truly am thankful.