Last night everything felt off. A deep sadness overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even explain the tears that welled up while I sat on the front porch, with my feet propped up on Matthew’s lap, my hand in his. The day had not been a bad one. It found me outside, staring into my empty cereal box, like the rest of America, to see as much of the solar eclipse as we were granted. A 73% eclipse isn’t too bad, actually. The crickets started chirping and the atmosphere got a bit cooler and almost orange, like when a thunderstorm is rolling through but it’s still sunny outside. Harry busily put tiny rocks into his mouth and then spit them out every time I made a “blah” sound.
Yet I couldn’t shake this feeling.
Then this morning I woke up to a precious text from one of my best friends, reminding me what had happened four years ago. When I had called her in the middle of the night to pray. When I stared at the dark, stormy ocean I thought for sure would swallow life that night. I clung to my Bible that night, tears wrinkling the pages of the Psalms I read, while I stared at Matthew in the hospital bed. He was very still, struggling to breath, but the amount of steroids they gave him over the course of the night and into the morning saved his life, and he emerged smiling, yet with very little voice. Subglottic stenosis. His airway was but a pinhole the night before, which has altered his voice ever since. Scars do that. They change us.
Then another precious text from another dear friend. She reminded me that it’s okay to both grieve and rejoice. To lay my grief at one altar and my thanksgiving at another. Thanksgiving, so I never become bitter, and grief, so I never make an idol out of the blessing and gifts God has given. So, even though it’s been four years, I do touch that scar and let the tears flow a bit. Feeling the gift that it is, because it is a rich reminder of His Presence which always goes before us. He gathers our tears in a bottle, and knows which ones are from grief and which ones are from thankfulness. Bless the Lord O my soul and forget not all His benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases!
I asked Matthew how he feels today, and he simply said: “I feel amazed.” He is playing soccer tonight and preaching the gospel! There’s a WHOLE lot of thanksgiving about that!
Yesterday marked another momentous occasion as well. Matthew officially began working for himself again. Weldon Carpentry is back in business, and we are both excited for this new chapter. We are praying for a work truck for him, so if anyone has any leads, we’re all ears! We’re excited to see how God will provide!
Well, tomorrow is the first day of highschool for Nadine and Elijah. We have an incredibly early start, and I’m a bundle of nerves for them. I sense a whole lot of growth in the upcoming months. As I have pondered the past 9 months, our family has experienced six huge NEW changes. Yet nothing surprises the One who orchestrates the perfect alignment of the earth, moon, and sun. Nothing is beyond His ability. Nothing is impossible. From solar eclipses to subglottic scars to unbelievable struggles which leave invisible marks… He is aware of it all and cares so very much about me and you.
It’s been a wonderful yet challenging summer for us! Living in a half-torn-up living area, and lots of doctors visits for Matthew. This morning was his 10th visit this year to his ENT’s. It included another tube put in the one ear, which should provide some much-needed relief from a ton of pressure he’s been having! In addition to the infusions last month, it’s been a lot. Frankly, it stinks. Because even though everything looks really clear (yay!) his entire ear nose and throat anatomy is not the way it was before Wegener’s. It’s not even the same as it was a few years ago! His body doesn’t have the ability to naturally move mucous from his nose and sinuses to his throat. He rinses 3-4 times a day with saline just to keep it as clear as possible. Even then, junk starts to collect, because there is only so much a couple pints of salt water can do. We take stock in sea salt, and (next to me) the neti pot is his best friend. We live in exciting times, where super smart people are inventing things and even surgeries he’s had done in the past are more laparoscopic than ten or two years ago! So, perhaps something will become available in the future to help repair the scar tissue and missing parts in his upper respiratory system that have gone AWAL from this disease. We are incredibly grateful for the good care of his doctors. We have been encouraged by them to keep taking our favorite supplements, which target gut health, balance and inflammation, and to stay consistent with an anti-inflammatory diet. What a gift to have doctors who have the incredible expertise and knowledge as they do, and who also encourage plant-based medicine as much as possible!
Our four oldest kiddos went to soccer camp last week. It was wild being a mom of two again. Betty couldn’t stop saying how “peaceful” it was. She cracks me up every day! Like yesterday, when I pulled up to the curb to park. Parallel parking in Silver Belle is becoming more second nature, but it’s still challenging to line up a 12-passenger van on a city street. As we got out she said, “Let’s see how you parked.” Thankfully, I “passed”, because she gave me two thumbs up. “Pretty good!”
Yesterday we celebrated Kids’ Day. This is our sixth year doing it, and it is never a specific date… just someplace in August when the time is right. The inspiration of this day is due to my sweet friend Ruthie.
Have a delightful last few weeks of warmth and summer!
There’s something incredible about what we say to ourselves. I dare you to listen to yourself when you’re thinking. It’s incredibly enlightening. Do you say things to yourself that you would never allow someone to say to your child? Or to you? Changing negative thinking has totally transformed my life and is transforming the lives of our children.
Grow Old With Me 