marriage

The Best Chocolate Chip

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The sound never grows old.  A faint, steady rhythm.  So tiny, yet so strong.  We call him “Chip”, because at one point, baby was the size of a chocolate chip. The name stuck.  Now Chip is bigger, and his heart is definitely beating.  Life.  Hidden and mysterious, but unmistakably there.  On Monday I had my first midwife appointment and got to meet Chip in a super special way, as the tears pooled in my eyes and his heartbeat met my ears.  Every morning for the past couple of weeks I’ve sighed a great hallelujah that my pants still button.  But thirteen weeks into this journey, and it’s time to expand my wardrobe for my expanding wasitline!  I’m definitely tired of sweat pants and feeling frumpy.
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The second highlight of our week was Tuesday.  Hearing a solid “well done” from the kids’ evaluator, marked another year in the books for the Weldon Academy of Natural Studies.  We now officially have one 1st grader, one 3rd grader, one 5th grader and two 8th graders.  Good thing I’m sitting down right now.  It’s been a huge year, full of much learning and growing.  We celebrated with lunch at the Green Street Grille.  What a HUGE accomplishment!  They’re growing up so fast.  In fact, the other day Jack asked Betty how old she wants to be when she grows up.  She thought for a moment and said, “Seventeen.”2016-05-10 13.20.18-1Last month, I had the incredible privilege of flying out to Portland to visit my dear friend, April.  We grew up together for a few years in the middle of Africa.  Her house was just a shout away.  In fact, we would often stand at the bottom of their hill and yell, “Do you have a roll of toilet paper we could borrow?!”  Or “Do you have butter?!”  You know, the essential things.  This is probably one huge reason I love my neighbor, Jen, so much.  I don’t think a week goes by without borrowing something from her… and it is often ONE egg, or TWO INCHES of butter, please.  Having someone who loves you and doesn’t think any less of you because you fail to figure out just how many eggs you’ll need each week… on a weekly basis… is pretty grand.

April and I have been friends for almost thirty years.  I don’t even FEEL like I’m 30 yet, so this is pretty wild for me to comprehend even still.  But we have, because Math doesn’t lie, or something like that.  She is one of the most genuine people I know.  I love her courage and gusto in life.  I love that she doesn’t let fear hold her down from following God’s leading.  That leading happens to be into the middle of the jungle of Papua, Indonesia.  I am so thankful I got to squeeze her and even run a mini “Amazing Race Portland” with her and a friend before she flew back across a HUGE ocean to her home.  As we prayed before she dropped me off at the airport, I was absolutely floored by the goodness and grace of God to weave and keep tight the bond of this friendship which has spanned more time and miles than I can comprehend.

As things grow and change in our family, this guy remains constant and steady.  2016-04-08 07.10.53-1We have had such fun dreaming together.  He is such an encouragement to me every day.  I don’t often feel what he sees, but I choose to believe him, because he’s never lied to me yet.  We are so excited to see how the Lord is going to work out the details of our future.  We sense His stirring in our lives and know He has something amazing in store.

Baby Chip is proof of that.

Fingerless Gloves & Papaya

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It’s 8am and only the sound of batter sizzling in the waffle iron is hitting my ears.  Snow fell rather silently all night long, accompanied by vicious wind, which uncharacteristically woke me up several times throughout the night.  We even ended up with a small little darling in our bed, half-way through the night.  Nadine is getting snowed in at a friend’s house, which caused Elsie to abandon her usual spot with Betty, and snuggle instead in big sister’s bed.  This in turn caused Betty to find her way to our room in the middle of the howling night with some howling of her own, begging us to bring Elsie back to her bed so she could sleep.  It’s sisterly love at its finest.  Just not at 3am, please.  Snuggling in our bed was certainly only second best.  I was reminded once again just how much room one tiny body can take, and by 7:00 I found myself more than ready to abandon my swiftly shrinking cacoon and make for the kitchen.  With snow piling up outside, I decided to do what any snowstorm calls one to do: make cinnamon rolls and waffles.  Carb overload for survival.  So, with the dough proofing in the oven, waffles sizzling away, and snow falling, my half-gloved fingers are enjoying what my African heart is craving: papaya.  2016-01-23 08.03.47And a hot mug of tea.  2016-01-23 08.28.17Matthew comes downstairs, with his slippered feet shuffling across the kitchen to me.  By now, everyone has emerged from their beds.  2016-01-23 08.35.34He gives me a big kiss, which gets a full evaluation by our eager observers.  “Eeew!  That’s gross!”  “Oh, man.  They’re kissing on the lips!”  “I’m just looking at my plate.”  “How do you breathe for that long?!”  “Doesn’t your air go into his nose?”  Yep.  It’s always preeetttty romantic having a running commentary while exchanging  a kiss.  But that’s okay.  I love that he’s not ashamed to show how much he loves me in front of eager eyes.

Here’s to a snow day full of cinnamon rolls, a turkey dinner and each other!

That’s right.  A turkey dinner is on our list.  We thought since we never had a white Christmas, we will extend our celebrations to mid-January.  So if you happen to find yourself craving a turkey dinner, we’ll carve a spot out on our street for you and you can join us at our table.

 

Tapestry of Fall & Family

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I was walking in between them, my arms interwoven with theirs, strong and beautiful, like a perfect piece of tapestry.  We laughed as the leaves fell around us, and I looked at them both and said, “I remember pushing you two in a double baby stroller!”  And here we are now, leaning on eachother, laughing at jokes everyone understands, and these babies are growing up faster than I can catch my breath.  We’ve always been held together by love, but now it’s not just me giving all of my strength to keeping them alive and nourished.  Now they are also supporting me with their love and wisdom and bodily presence.  I don’t want them to stop growing up, because I love each stage they’re experiencing.  Yet I want it to freeze sometimes, like a perfect ray of sunshine which captures a moment before winking at you and disappearing forever.  Time keeps winking at me.  Having the last say.  Making these babies taller than me, stronger than me.  Their hearts aren’t so grown up yet, and I relish their simplicity of thought.  I am humbled by their generous thinking well of everyone.  I love this time of shaping and molding and letting them sprout their wings a bit more and dream big dreams.

This girl.  She is so becoming and growing responsible.  This month she turned thirteen.  How is it possible?  A couple of weeks ago we couldn’t use water inside our house, and she washed all of the dishes with boiled water in a big bowl outside on the patio.  She’s a hard worker and loves challenges.  She always has room in her heart for one more person to love and makes them feel as if they’re the most important person in the world.  She is stronger than impenetrable circles, also known as cliques, because she has the courage to talk to the ones on the outside of them.  Things are not important to her.  Only hearts.
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This young man.  He is different these days.  Thinking deeper thoughts and dreaming bigger dreams.  If you are a close friend, then he has probably cried for you as he lifts you in prayer, because his heart is softer than any boy I’ve ever known.  He has been working so hard lately to be stronger in some areas.  Elijah also has the gift of music and making taste-buds sing.  He’s turning into quite the chef, and has made some pretty mouth-watering meals for us recently!  He made up a song for Nadine’s birthday, and had us roaring with laughter as he made up a verse for everyone in our family.
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Then there’s this other young man.  He gets through his schoolwork so he can hammer more nails to his fort, or create some inventory for his newest business venture.  On Saturday, he forgot to eat lunch because he was so intent on getting his business underway: selling homemade wooden toys!  Matthew was able to take him to work one day this week, which made our house a lot quieter.  The best part of the day, though, was when he came home, and everyone ran out to Matt’s truck to welcome him home, and swap stories around the dinner table.  Jack has a pretty dry sense of humor that is starting to develop more as he matures.  He isn’t afraid of throwing a dance party in our front yard, choreographed to whatever music is playing in someone’s car going down the street.
October 2015 phone photos
Number four is as industrious as a worker bee, making our world much sweeter with all of her buzzing.  She loves to read and dance and do cartwheels.  She often prances around and says, “I’m SO happy!”  She loves life with every ounce of her being.  Whenever she receives good news larger than her heart can bear, she starts to cry and laugh all at the same time.  She is such a sweet big sister to Betty, and the two stick together like glue.  The other day, I had the ironing board out in our room.  Not one, but two of our children came in with wonder and curiosity on their faces.  Elsie stared wide-eyed and gasped, “What IS that thingy?”  I guess it doesn’t see the light of day much.
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Our sweet number five keeps us smiling and laughing all day long.  The other morning she walked into our room and woke me up by saying, “Mommy?”  Once I answered her she said, “I think I’m going back to bed now.” And tiptoed back to bed.  I lay with sleepy-dust and laughter both tickling my eyes.  When we were at the farm, feeding the animals, she exclaimed about the pigs: “They’re STARVING!” and gleefully gave the famished pigs more food.  She loves to help.  In the kitchen, around the house, if someone is sick or hurt.  She adores school and wants to “read” everything and paint every day.
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This past week was spent recuperating from a long weekend away last week.  What a blessing to have earned a trip to Washington DC with the company I work for, and have so many amazing memories tucked away from our time there.  Hanging out with good friends, meeting new friends, a concert by Jewel, being inspired by the humorous Rita Davenport, delicious food, and quality time with Matthew.

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Yesterday, we experienced Wyebrook Farm for the first time.  What a gorgeous fall day to be together and be spoiled by stunning scenery and delicious food!
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This guy.  He is so incredibly hard-working without complaint.  I love dreaming big with him by my side.
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Happy fall, from our family to you!
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Worst Date Ever: Absolved

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It’s hard to believe a whole week has passed since my friend, Ruthie, left.  Ruthie is my friend who, when I was roughly nine years old, used to be my enemy.  Finally, our differences became something beautiful and we couldn’t live without each other.  We’ve seen each other fall in love, experienced birth, death, joy and pain together.  We have friend-shipped from afar, which has always felt a bit like sandpaper on my heart.  So I thank God for those couple of years we had together where the only thing that separated us was a dusty African road we could walk by foot.  About an hour after she, her husband, and four sweet kids drove away I realized our startling and horrifying overlook.  We never took a picture together.  This is a very long-standing tradition.  Before digital.  Before Wal-Mart one-hour-photo.  This has been something we’ve done for the past twenty-three years (gulp).  Giant hair bows, awful haircuts, crazy clothes, you name it.  We have many photos together.  But not this time.  Regardless, we had a wonderful few days with their family, and nothing quite beats sharing our home and our life with people we love.  It pretty much top dogs everything in life.

After they left, we went into town and the boys participated in a last-minute bike race in our neighborhood.  Elijah came in 3rd place!

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After the bang of fireworks that night, came the explosion of sickness to our house.  It hasn’t quite left us yet, but it’s dying.

A few weeks ago Matthew and I were in great need of a date.  Before we were married we were told: marriage takes work.  Eleven years ago I knew it as an idea, but now I know it by experience.  The night of our date we dropped the kids off at a babysitter’s, and headed out into the unknown.  Little did we know… that was the problem.  We’re usually pretty good about not having a plan.  This particular night the hunger pangs and tiredness from a long week were starting to cloud our decision-making process.  After a much-too-deliberated-upon discussion on where or what we should eat, things started going south.  Details don’t matter at this point.  After shooting down one of his ideas, he was in turn shot down, and we literally spent the rest of the evening not talking to each other.  We drove East, hoping to find a good chicken BBQ, or maybe someone outside grilling from whom we could mooch a piece of meat.  At that point, I didn’t really care.  I would glare in his direction, thinking how insensitive he was being towards me, his wife.  I would sniff.  The tears would trickle down my cheeks.  Silence.  It was going down in history as the worst date of our married life.  We finally ended up at a restaurant not even remotely my favorite, but I requested a salad from it anyway.  We went home to eat it because I didn’t want to be seen in public wiping my snotty nose and glaring at my date.  I banged around the kitchen and pulled a red plate out of the cupboard so at least I didn’t have to eat out of styrofoam.  He grabbed a bag of carrot sticks from the fridge.  Carrot sticks.  That was about the last straw.  If he sat next to me crunching those things while I indulged in a salad with pecan-crusted chicken, the tears would take their seventeenth journey down my face.  Still without talking, I pulled out a second plate, split the salad between us, and we sat down to eat in silence.  Fifteen minutes later it was time to pick up the kids.  Of course, in the last few minutes we started to hash things out.  We never did resolve whatever our problem was until the next day.  Marriage takes work, they said.  It also requires humility, selflessness, and making up, no matter how difficult it can be.

Fast forward to yesterday.  Matthew had some work in Long Beach Island, NJ.  His family was able to watch the kids so I could tag along with him.  We enjoyed an amazing day together.  I read my book while he worked, then after he finished his job he took me on a little surprise excursion.  We went jet-skiing!  I have since learned that a Jet Ski is actually made by Kawasaki and a Waverunner is made by Yamaha.  I can’t quite remember which watercraft we actually used, but I think it was a jet ski.  As we took off, I left my fear on the dock, embraced my twenty-year-old self, and held onto Matthew’s waist tightly.  When we switched positions so I could drive, I revved that thing full throttle.  I screamed and laughed and tossed all my worries into the swirling wake behind us as salt water sprayed my face and the wind whipped my hair into a million tangles.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time!

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Keeping our marriage fresh takes work, they said.  Sometimes the work is hard.  Sometimes it just takes a little creativity or letting go of fear.  Don’t get tired of doing what’s right, the Bible says.  I think this can apply to our marriage.  The next right thing may be saying you’re sorry.  It may just mean going out for coffee together.  Or it might mean finding the best chicken BBQ in your county.  Whatever it is, don’t give up.

God’s Holy Equation

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The icy air seeps through my gloves which clutch the steering wheel.  I mutter under my breath as I pull the wheel with every muscle fiber in my upper body, just to get out of the parking space.  The inside of his truck reeks of glue and wood and stain.  The darkness of the evening hides what I know is everywhere: dust & dirt from a working man’s truck.  The stick shift comes naturally, but every change of gear is a bit precarious because of everything I’m trying to balance on my short drive.  A big red plate of cookies, half-way fitting on the dashboard, slides as I make my first left turn.  Instinctively I grab it with my right, still making the hard left turn up-hill.  I quickly remember that it is a two-handed job to turn this beast, and I shove the plate onto my lap before it’s too late.  Again, I grumble at the hardship.  My arms burn from making one left turn.  I sit and think about him.

The icy feeling is in my heart too, you know, not just my fingers and toes.  This gift called marriage is work, they told us.  Eleven years ago I wasn’t sure I believed them.  How can something so amazing, so right, and so beautiful take work?  Doesn’t it come naturally?  Don’t the feelings just fall into place?  You know the answer, as sure as my arms were burning.

Sometimes the drifting is over days or weeks or months.  Other times it’s from one hour to the next.  Suddenly he’s there and I’m stuck over here and there’s a bridge somewhere but I’m too tired to find it.  I clutch the steering wheel harder, hoping my fingers will get warmer.  There’s no heat in this thing, and I keep the bad words from coming out of my mouth.

It seems impossible  not to let my feelings match up with the cold.  Like a game of memory, I flip them both over and stack them up beside me.  Inside me.  I turn them over again and again.  Before the stack gets any higher, I arrive at my destination.

Warmth overwhelms me.  Physical, yes, but it reaches into my soul.  Friends, sisters, they are changing the game.  I keep flipping over matches, but they’re the opposite of what I’ve been seeing.  Love coupled with warmth.  Another toasty card is matched up with care, then listening ears, then more love.   The unity and power of love can not be squelched.  The chill is dissipating from my soul.  My heart beats faster for him.

As I walk back to the dusty, rusty truck, I’m jolted back into winter from the brief oasis of warmth I’ve experienced.  Yet something has changed.  Love changes us.  It certainly trumps this eery, distant feeling that’s etched itself all over my heart.  I quit the game of selfishness and throw my towel at the frigid feelings trying to squelch my desire.  Once home, I crawl into our cozy bed and pray over his sleeping warm body.  Then as if from God Himself, the bridge we needed but couldn’t see from cold and selfish hearts, opens up between us.  The gap is closed.   God’s holy equation of two equaling one, melts my chill hard heart into worship.

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Another Day in The Life

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It’s pretty awesome when it’s been a few months since something like this has happened, and then it happens when I least expect it.  Let’s just say I love surprises.  Matthew called me to say that I had to be ready to go out with him at 5:30 tonight.  “Wear work-out clothes, but bring something to change into as well.”  Oh boy.  That is what happens when you go on dates with a personal trainer.  SO, thanks to our amazing friend and pastor, Jon, who watched our kids, Matthew and I took off for an evening of fun.  I fought the urge to get grumpy about part A of our date.  We went to the cross-fit gym and my nerves stopped fidgeting once I got moving.  It was hard not to think about anything other than my shaking legs and the uncomfortably close feeling of about to puke.  But, like everyone said, after finishing I felt great.  It was also pretty cute seeing Matthew’s beaming face when I was all done.  Afterwards we grabbed something to eat and enjoyed some uninterrupted conversation.

That, coupled with another sweet friend bringing us dinner, made up for the especially tiring morning  I had.  After we finished school, I  finally caved and went to the grocery store.  It is pretty bad when the kids are eating graham crackers for breakfast… and lunch.  Despite low blood-sugar levels, everyone was especially energetic it seemed.   We were one of those families today at the store.  The boys were ninjas who were hungry for everything they saw and pretended to consume each item on every shelf.  Then somewhere between when I was paying attention and when I was reading labels on shampoo bottles, Nadine had been chasing Betty down the aisle and fell and skinned her knee on the linoleum floor.  It’s pretty hard to skin your knee on linoleum.  She started crying and saying she broke her knee, and the next thing I knew, there were people around us and someone fetched us bandaids.   She hobbled her way around the rest of the way, but it just seemed to fit the category of crazy-things-that-rarely-happen-while-you’re-shopping.

We also had to go to the dentist to get some cavities filled, (thank you, Grandma for your help!) which added another dose of real-life excitement to our day.  Tucked in there were our everyday messes and tears,

 

along with sweet moments and smiles.

Tomorrow we head to the shore.  Hopefully this time we won’t be plagued with the throw-up bug!  I am really looking forward to no agenda but family.  I was planning on packing tonight, but since I got whisked away by my lover-boy, it can all wait until tomorrow.  Good night.

The First Decade

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The white dress hung on my closet door, its thick satin hem hugging the floor.  The layers of tulle under its skirt made me feel like a princess before I even wore it.  There were no shoes waiting for me to slip on Cinderella-style… I was going African-style, barefoot and fancy-free.  I closed my eyes for the last time as a single woman and woke up ready to marry the man of my dreams.  Ten years ago. I was wrapping flowers in ribbons, and reading over my vows with nervous excitement.  I was so ready to embark on this awesome thing called marriage.  

When the time came to walk down the green carpet that I pretended was grass on my bare feet, my dad had tug my arm back a bit to keep me from running down the aisle towards Matthew.  The ceremony was so beautiful, and so long, and so short, all at once.  Our lips had never touched and I just couldn’t wait to seal our commitment with a kiss never to be forgotten.  His face was so young.  We never know how we will change.  Ten years ago.

We vowed that we would never leave each other until death separated us.  We vowed before God and many witnesses.  We vowed that we would love one another through sickness and health, good times and bad, in rich times and in poor.  We’ve experienced so much in ten years, and we still say “I do”.  

When we fell asleep side by side for the first time, it was the most thrilling thing I have ever experienced.  It is still my favorite thing about being married.  It is pure, holy, and excellent.  The greatest theft from our marriage are those few nights when we have been unable to resolve something before falling asleep, and the closeness of our bed turns from being a blessing into a curse.  The foothold that the devil can steal from under us is so great during those times.  The flip-side is that when we repent and forgive, the depth of ground regained is even greater than that stolen in the first place.  Making up is a beautiful thing.

Ten years of loving, giving, taking, repenting, crying, forgiving, communicating, laughing, babies, toddlers, kids, traveling, trusting, growing, and changing… it has been the best decade of my life.  Matthew, let’s get married again!

The Best is Yet to Come

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Last weekend we had the privilege of going to a beautiful wedding.  It was extra special, because we have walked with this couple from way back when… They are an incredible example of what God can do when you give Him control over your life and your love.  The day was simple and exquisite.  

I was blessed with an incredible weekend.  My sweet friend, MJ, let me swing by her house and she dolled me up with her sweater and jewelry.  We met some great folks, ate delicious food, and were refreshed so much.

Josh & Niki, we are so proud of you.  We’re encouraged by your faith in God, your trust in His best for your lives, and for your servant hearts.  We love you and will continue to pray you through these best years of your lives.

Ten Years of I Love You

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Ten years ago today I was standing with my hands over my face, trying to take in one of the best moments of my entire life.  He said, “I’ve been working on something for you…and your parents and my parents agree that in order for us to best serve the Lord, we need to serve Him together.  Amy, I love you.  Will you marry me?”  I said “YES!”and he spun me around, and I’ve been spinning ever since.

Today we went into the city of brotherly love.  Unfortunately, while I was able to enjoy the gorgeous blue sky, fabulous sights and sounds, and delicious food, Matthew was stuck in a hospital gown, unable to eat, and then drugged for his eye and sinus surgery.  He did fine and is resting now.  The next time you see him, he shouldn’t have tears running out of his eyes unless he is actually, truly crying.  His tear ducts are opened back up again and his sinuses cleared.

While he was going through all that fun, Betty and I walked around Philly and took a jaunt down Jeweler’s Row.  In honor of our anniversary, I took my engagement ring and our wedding bands to get cleaned.  They’re as shiny as a mirror now and I can hardly stop  looking at them!  I’ve  been wearing Matt’s all day while he was in surgery.

 before after

I ate at Dinic’s in Reading Terminal Market.  Ooh lala.  My mouth totally had a party.

So, here’s to many more romantic days, no more surgeries, and ten more amazing years with you, Matthew.  Won’t you pick me up and spin me again?  Won’t you grow old with me, my love?