The Wind is Blowing Our Faces Into a Smile

There are many lost journal entries this month, as I’ve either been too exhausted to sit down and write, or I’ve been too wiped out by the end of the day.  One of those two.  Starting with tonight and working my way backwards, however, I will attempt to do a brief overview of our May Days.

The weather today has been awesome.  Matthew experienced hail the size of small golf balls where he was working, and we experienced sunshine and dark clouds, changing back and forth all day.  I had to explain to Betty five times tonight where all the snow went.

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Elsie is my helper.  I told her if she wore goggles while she chopped onions, they wouldn’t sting her eyes as much.  The other day when we were driving and smelling cow manure which wafted through the open windows, she said: If I could pop my nose off whenever something is stinky then put it back on when something smells good… Well, that would be great.  Speaking of smelly, Nadine had this descriptive offering of armpit odor: they apparently reeked of rotten chemicals with hotdogs dipped in mayonnaise.  Yum.

Right now my dad is in Africa.  In fact, this week he was able to visit the station where I was born and raised.  Partly because I was feeling especially nostalgic, and partly because the kids have been begging to pop into our “old house”, I decided to do just that.  We stopped in, and it is now a dentist office.  Everything is bright blue from the outside.  The downstairs is completely different, but the upstairs was just the same.  It’s hard to believe I stood on those stairs in my wedding dress over 12 years ago!  In my old bedroom, the inside of my closet door still had the glow-in-the-dark paint signatures of my siblings and friends, from back when I was a teenager.  There were even a set of my nephew’s baby footprints, glowing in the dark when we shut the door and stood inside the closet.  The same day, my same nephew, had just flown his first solo flight!
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School is winding down, with our last week stretching out before us!  I have learned way more than the kids, I’m sure.  Nadine has become a much more confident reader.  Elijah has improved in his math skills.  Jack is reading and writing.  Elsie is also reading and writing.  Betty loves books and can write a few letters of the alphabet.  She told me the other day: I don’t want to take it easy.  I want to take a break.  They love games, and have really improved in so many areas.  I have a nice-sized list of things I am changing for next year.  As my ever-wise husband has told me: this teacher and mama must keep a tight ship.  This week Betty also overcame some of her fear of bugs.  She managed to pick up fuzzy “calipitters” for hours on end with her second cousin, and she also willingly let an ant crawl onto her hand.  She told me very excitedly the other day: Mom!  Mom!  Guess what?  Lady bugs climb on trampolines.
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Besides book work, we are out and about for so many activities.  Nadine’s horse club has been a huge blessing for her.  Elsie & Jack have even gotten a turn to ride when we pick her up at the end of the day.  Field trips, archery, friends, blowing bubbles, picking flowers, and riding bikes leaves mama pretty exhausted some days.  I am no longer the endless source of energy that I see in my children.  I remember having it.  I know it once existed.  But it has been sucked out of my veins and into their own.  So now they just borrow my phone to take pictures of their tired mama.Phone Photos4
We do have a lot of fun around here.  The beautiful moments of this month I think can be summed up in this one picture of Jack:Phone Photos5

Our windows are down.  The wind is blowing our faces into a smile.  Summer is just around the corner.

A Bug Tie, Three Tissues, and the Truth

This morning I texted my friend the following: I was up til after 3am because my bug tie has an ingrown toenail!  Wow.  I have never experienced pain like that before… A few seconds later she wrote back: What!?  What’s a bug tie?  Worse than childbirth?  I laughed and laughed.  Silly auto-correct.  I meant to say “big toe”.  A few days ago my big toe started to hurt a little bit.  Soon it escalated into a big pain.  So big it became a bug tie.  Believe me, you never want to experience a bug tie.  They’re the worst.

Besides all the excitement of soaking my feet (sounds so fancy, I know), life marches on.  I’m tired.  I bent over at least a thousand times this weekend alone.  I can’t remember if I shaved both armpits or just one side this morning.  I can’t remember if I even took a shower.  I know I forgot to eat lunch.  Every time I went to the bathroom today someone needed me.  I keep forgetting to buy toilet paper.  We have three squares left and only a few tissues left in this entire house.  I think my kids ate ice-cream for lunch.  I never made my bed.  I forgot to dry the laundry.  I remembered how I forgot to put something important in the mail.  I know I’m not alone.  This is for all you tired women and mamas out there.

When life feels like it’s marching over you like a herd of elephants bent on crushing you to your core, He sees.  When the last ounce of energy was used up tucking that last baby in and another one asks for a drink of water, He sees.  When you sit on the bathroom floor and scrub the mysterious brown streaks off the wall, that you would like to believe are from muddy shoes, He sees.  When you feel like a laundromat, conductor, referee, dictionary, and Cinderella, all in the same moment, He sees.  When your words seem to fly back into your face like a boomerang, He sees.  When you sneak into that one secret spot and hug the three tissues left to your name, He sees.

Motherhood isn’t about getting a gold star because you did everything right.  It isn’t about being noticed or praised or looking good.  It’s about loving and loving some more, and when you don’t think you can, you love even more.  It’s a no-pay job with eternal dividends.  It’s exhausting and frightening and rewarding and exhilarating.  No two days are alike, which is why we’re so flexible and resilient and oftentimes reduced to a puddle of tears, clinging to the edge of our sanity alongside that tissue.  We’re tired, I know.  But please, don’t grow weary of doing good.  God’s Word says in the right time we will reap a harvest if we don’t lose heart.  If we don’t loosen our grip on the courage it takes to keep on keeping on.  It’s a process, this growing weary.  It usually begins when we think we got this mama thing under our belt and need a little humbling.  But mostly we become weary when we take our eyes off Jesus, who is the only One capable of infusing our war-weary bodies with supernatural strength and stamina.  Giving up is a choice.  The enemy wants you to give up, give in, and crumple under the load.  Jesus wants you to keep your eyes focused on Him, not your surroundings, and let Him sustain you.

As women, I think we tend to fall into two big traps.  The “I’m-not-good-enough” trap and the “I’m-not-as-good-as-her” trap.  The second we entertain those thoughts, the enemy pounces in with a volley of lies.  Those arrows sting and are deadly if we don’t counter-attack with the sword of truth: God’s word.  And the truth is: You are perfect in Christ.  You are not like her because God needs you to be who He made you to be.  The truth is what sets us free to be who we are created to be.

So, those clean counter-tops you wish you had do not define who you are.  You are a beautiful woman with a glorious gift of music.  The issue you have with speaking your mind does not define who you are.  You are a woman whose heart is so generous, you don’t even realize you’re giving.  The hidden clutter doesn’t define who you are.  You are a true friend who sees a need and meets it without being asked.  Your hoard of shoes, or clothes, or cars, or cookbooks are not what make you amazing.  Your ability to welcome people into your home at any time, and always speak well of others is what makes you amazing.  Your inability to carry a child within your own body does not make you any less of a woman.  You have the uncanny ability to create beauty and inspire others to do the same.  Your heart is no less able to love and sacrifice just because you never birthed a child.  Your unborn babies do not make you a failure as a mother.  Your heart is so much fuller because it loves someone no one else has known.  Mothers, women, you are so perfectly custom-made by the same God who created the stars and flowers and every grain of sand.  He makes no mistakes.  Stop believing you are not enough.  Stop believing He messed up when He made you.  Don’t stop believing you are exactly what He was going for when He began to fashion you in your mother’s womb.  He sings over you, He cherishes you, and He never condemns you.  Start and never stop believing that truth.

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When It Comes to Five

Maybe it’s the way her hair curls to beautifully, or the way her smile has always been exceptionally bright.  Maybe it’s her ability to make people feel special.  Maybe it’s a little girl trapped inside a woman’s body, that comes out when she’s excited or playing a game.  Nadine loves creatures with fur, especially the ones that neigh.  She has friends she calls on the phone, can clean a kitchen well, and loves to write letters.  A woman of habit, she sleeps in the exact same position every night.  Her little sisters adore her, and the other day Nadine said something funny to Betty: You know English fully now, don’t you?  When we were eating bacon the other day, Nadine discovered she actually liked it and said, I think I’m finally coming to my senses about it.  You got that right!  Today she started back doing a special homeschool girls’ horse club with a few girls her age.  She proudly donned her helmet she’s been dying to wear since Christmas, and I left her happily basking in the environment where she thrives.DSC_1469-2
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Maybe it’s the way his bright blue eyes haven’t changed since he was a baby.  Maybe it’s the way his body is swiftly changing into a young man.  Maybe it’s the way I look at my phone and see a note from him telling me I’m the best mom ever… usually on a day when I’m feeling anything but good.  Maybe it’s the way we both connect through music.  The other day he walked into the kitchen and “Don’t Stop Believin'” was playing on the sound dock.  He sighed and said, I love Journey.  His peace-loving soul hates conflict and strives for resolution.  Right now he is taking archery lessons and is one of the best shots in his class.  He is counting the days until he can drive a car, and I have to remind him how awesome it is to be a kid.  His feet are bigger than his mama’s.  Today he was looking for the peanut butter in the cupboard.  He poked around a bit then said, Maybe you can see it, because you’re taller.  He paused and looked at me, then added, Well, not that much taller, and chuckled.  He is a good observer.  Once he saw how Elsie had dressed herself.  I don’t remember the exact outfit, but generally it has to do with stripes, polka dots and flowers combined.  He said, Mom, I always thought Elsie would be  good trend-setter.  When I asked the boys why they had their shirts off the other day (when it wasn’t hot outside) Elijah said, Because it makes us stronger!
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Maybe it’s the way he is always catching up to his growing body.  Maybe it’s the way his giant puppy paw hands will one day match the rest of his muscular body.  Maybe it’s the way he leaps over three stairs at a time in his roller-blades and makes this mama’s heart beat very fast.  Maybe it’s the way his heart tips the scales of my own when he wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me.  Maybe it’s in his smile that’s so big it makes his eyes squint closed.  For Jack, an umbrella becomes a parachute, taking him to another world where there are things to fight and conquer.  He is okay with going to the store wearing a button-down shirt, soccer shorts, boots with no laces, a holster with gun, and a cowboy hat.  The other day said something very funny: Mom, I just have a question.  If you pick your nose at night do you need to brush your teeth again?  Today we reviewed our neglected chore charts.  Orange marker in hand, Jack checked things off one-by-one.  A few minutes later, I heard someone mowing, which is still a rare sound, after such a winter.   For the longest time I thought it was our neighbor, then I poked my head outside to check on the boys.  There was Jack, in his pajama pants, clip-on “pirate” earring, and flip-flops, mowing the grass for the first time this year.  I didn’t even know if the mower would start.  Elijah was right behind him, weed-whacking.  They took the “yard work” part of their charts very seriously, and I think we’ll be keeping those chore charts handier. DSC_1424-2 

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Maybe it’s the way she likes two little strands of hair un-tucked from her ponytail, so she can smooth them behind her ears.  Maybe it’s the way she wears stripes with polka-dots on most days.  Maybe it’s the gaping hole in her smile where her tooth was knocked out last year.  There’s something about Elsie that makes me chuckle whenever she walks into the room.  She loves friends, changing outfits, and monkey-bars.  If all three are included on any given day, it’s pretty much the best day ever.  She loves to sleep with her stuffed bunny under her head, just so.  Phone Photos
She also sleeps in a different position every night.  She likes to do her own hair these days, and she likes to “babysit” Betty.  She’s a terrific helper and does things almost always with a cheerful heart.  Currently, she is wearing a purple shirt, red vest, shorts, striped socks up to her knees, and sparkly shoes.  She sings hymns and songs and says the books of the Bible with lightening speed.
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Maybe it’s the way she cocks her head and smiles.  Maybe it’s the way she says, Bless you! whenever she sneezes.  Maybe it’s the way her hair is still uneven from the perfect haircut she gave herself many months ago.  Maybe it’s the way her brown eyes pull me in with their sweet chocolaty-ness.  There’s something about Betty that makes me scoop her up and cover her in kisses whenever she walks into the room.  She loves her dollies, taking care of people who are hurt, baby spoons, and the color yellow.  To emphasize something of great importance she will say, “So bad”.  For instance, I want to button my shirt so bad!  I need a banana so bad!  Sometimes she will say, Mom!  I have a secret!  Then she’ll whisper in a voice loud enough to hear all around, Please, I want a chocolate chip!  I mean three chocolate chips!  She still loves receipts as “taggies” to hold while she sucks her fingers. The other day she exclaimed: I found them all!  Seriously!  After finding a pile of receipts in her little purse.  Seriously.  Her vocabulary is hilarious.  There aren’t always darling moments, but there are many funny ones.  Like today, when I laid her down for her nap… for the fifth time.  Without a word, I carried her back upstairs, put her in her  bed, tucked her covers around her and walked out.  She cried behind my retreating back: I’m not a baby!  I’m not a baby!  To which I chuckle.  In fact, you are.  You’re my baby.  When she’s not a baby, she is doing her own schoolwork, and already knows how to make an H, B, and E.  You’re still my baby, Betty.

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Maybe it’s a combination of five hearts, all with their own special places in my own.  Whatever it is, I love these beautiful children.  Seriously.

Nothing But Good Things

This week Matthew turned 32, meaning I have known him for exactly half of his life.  This week there have also been three incredible blessings as far as his health is concerned.  About a week ago he called me in tears, because he could actually hear me over the phone with his bad ear.  We’ve been experimenting with rubbing essential oil behind his ears, and will continue to do so.  Last weekend, he was able to see all 3 (out of 4) ENT’s at Jefferson hospital in Philly.  The ear guy is pretty sure his constant infection will clear once his sinuses get under control.  The nose guy agreed, as long as the throat guy thought putting him under was no longer risky.  After scoping him, the throat guy saw improvement from last time in his subglottic region and agreed to doing surgery.  So, on the 28th he is scheduled for a thorough cleaning out of his sinuses, and another balloon dilation of his stenotic area.  Today, he saw his rheumatologist who oversees his blood-work results and is in charge of his treatment.  He told Matthew he saw “Nothing but good things”, for which my heart is leaping with joy!  After surgery, he will begin weaning himself off of prednisone.  This all-too-familiar road is marked with many promises of God’s presence and goodness along the way.  We praise Him for today and the ability to live and breath and have each other!  This was the best birthday present ever!

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This week the crocuses started to show their happy faces in the garden!  When we were outside, unbeknownst to me, Betty picked all of them into a purple bouquet.  She came running over to me with a HUGE grin on her face.  I was very tempted to scold her for picking the ONLY flowers in our garden.  God spoke to me in that moment, through her joy and smile, and told me I would crush her spirit if I corrected her in impatience or anger.  So I knelt down and met her joyous face with my own smile.  Gratitude for her love gift made it even sweeter.
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Amidst the sweet, there is also the crazy.  If a video had been rolling  of our dinner the other night it would have looked a little bit like this:

Jack was karate-chopping carrots intermittently with a knife and then his hand.  Next to him, sat Elsie, singing “Let it Go” at the top of her lungs.  I looked across at Nadine, making crazy faces while Elijah went on and on about how her hair looks in the morning.  In addition to his narration, he continued to blather nonsense about gaseous terrain on the planet Venus.  Not to be undone, Betty stood in the middle of it all, crying with her stuffed animal in hand, because she didn’t like what was being served for dinner.  Matthew and I looked at each other.

Sometimes this is how life rolls.  It’s rough, it’s silly, it’s beautiful.  Full of good things.

La Famiglia

Before more time goes by, here are the closing remarks via photo, from our special family fortnight.
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A rose among thorns, Heidi between her brothers.
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We had a “see who can hang the longest from these freezing cold monkey bars” contest.  Jack was the one to beat, and his daddy rose to the challenge and won.
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My ever-present comedian.
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The series of these photos was hilarious.  We had a photo-bomber named Jack darting in and out from behind us.  Among the lot, there is not one of all three coupes kissing.  We tried.  The middle couple were pretty oblivious to all the crazies.  So cute!
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The cousin shot didn’t work out too well.  It was cold.  Betty was sad.  Elsie was silly.  That’s life!
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Sisters by love, not blood.
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So blessed.

Thirteen Is Odd

The times I feel odd happen frequently.  Maybe because I’m born on an odd-numbered day.   Sometimes I feel this way because of something I have: You have five children?  People say, as if having any number over four has basically become as astronomical as living on Mars.  Sometimes it’s because of something I do: You homeschool your kids?  I could never do that.  I’m never sure if that statement is supposed to make me feel better or worse than them.  It always makes me feel odd, though.  Sometimes I also feel it because of something I don’t do: You don’t wash your hair?  Ok, I admit, even I thought that was weird a few months ago.  But when one suffers relentlessly from dandruff, one will do almost anything, including the crazy, to be rid of those unwanted snowflakes which aren’t really snowflakes at all.  Plus they never melt.  Maybe I’ll do another post on that one a different day.

Lately, I’ve felt especially odd as I ran through the coldest, snowiest and sometimes most beautiful of days.  Eight weeks ago I wasn’t quite sure about running one mile.  Even the day before yesterday, I wasn’t quite sure about it:

"This is how I'm feeling about tomorrow," I wrote on Saturday.

“This is how I’m feeling about tomorrow,” I wrote on Saturday.

Yesterday, I set out to do 13, with about 10,000 other oddities in the Philly Love Run.  Finally, I’m not odd.  Everyone, a common goal.  Everybody screaming you on to finish.

Miles 1-5 were relatively smooth.
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By mile 6, the rain was pretty heavy.  My friend, Gail, and I ran together.  We would laugh at how the rain pooled up inside our jacket sleeves.  Whenever we straightened out our arms, rivers of water poured out like faucets.  I stopped avoiding puddles and my sneakers spoke a second language, sounding a lot like: squish, squelch, squish, squelch. DSC_1063-2 DSC_1066-2
Around mile 9 my legs felt a more like iron mixed with mush, and less like muscles and tendons.  I was so hungry at mile 10, that when someone handed me a Swedish Fish candy, it tasted like a ten-dollar dessert.  I savored the sugary calories stuck in my teeth for a few minutes.  At mile 11 we ducked under an overpass to stretch one last time.

We snapped our only mid-run photo under the overpass.

We snapped our only mid-run photo under the overpass.

The deluge had turned to drizzle, but the cold was starting to cramp different parts of my legs.  After a minute, we set off to whip those last miles into oblivion.  At mile 12, the welcome sight of Philadelphia’s Boathouse Row came into view.  As we approached mile 13, I had some emotional moments inside my head and heart.  This is what it’s like to finish, I thought.  It hurts.  It’s beautiful.  It’s thrilling.  It’s really, really hard.  For a few seconds I was given a quick glimmer of life’s finish line.  Like an instagram from Heaven.  We will look back and think:  That was so hard.  How did I get through it?  Wow, life was so amazing.  So difficult.  Beautiful.  Rewarding.  Painful.  So worth every second.
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Unlike our eternal finish line when we’re finally Home, the thrill of this finish line was quickly replaced with the need for warmth and sustenance.  We found our husbands, cheering under an umbrella.  Then we squelched through inches of mud to receive our reward: a cool medal and a bag of potato chips (among other snacks, but the chips stood out to me the most).  DSC_1083-2

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It was a grand memory.  I couldn’t have done it without the constant cheering of Matthew and Gail.  Many others encouraged me as well, and you know who you are.  And just like people ask you if you’re ever going to have more kids, the second after your baby pops into the world: YES, I’m going to keep running.  Is that odd?
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Three-Four, Open The Door

March has a tendency to speed right along, almost as if it’s anticipating spring as much as the rest of us are.  It’s been a super fun-filled month so far.  Exactly three weeks until race day, the trail has seen a lot of my old sneakers.  Between miles there has been much chocolate, a medieval feast with friends (we are studying that period of history together), an Ikea trip with my sister and nieces, furniture painting, cute kids, field trips and birthday celebrations with friends.  There is much between the lines, many memories and blessings.  Lots of words are flying about in my  brain, unsettled as of yet; waiting for the unseen breeze to stop their spinning.  
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But right now, today, thirty-four is shaping up to be fabulous.  

Making More Than Babies & Lunches

There’s a secret between us.  Yet it’s no secret at all.  It is loudly spoken by the way he looks at me, the notes he leaves me, and most definitely  by the five children who grace our lives.

Our love was strong from the start.  Yet its strength was like that of a seed: its full potential unknown until put into the right environment.  After four years of waiting, we were given perfect freedom, wrapped in holiness, that first night so long ago.  What was once forbidden was now ours to hold.  Each, the other’s, to have and to hold, til death do us part.

Nine months later, a sweet darling baby blessed us.  I struggled with the holding on part, and slowly he grew farther from me.  He no longer had all of me.  I felt needed and needy, exhilarated by new life and exhausted by it too.  I was leaking tears and breast milk, of practically equal amounts.  And as I held this child, I didn’t realize he was drifting farther from my arms.  Fear gripped my body, mind, and soul and I closed out the very thought of ever experiencing pleasure again.  I was forgetting: he was my husband first.

A few months later, the distance was breached.  Our secret, though dangerously close to ruin, was restored and renewed.  Trust replaced fear.  We had become as blue and yellow, independent of each other.  Now our bed melded back into a beautiful shade of green.  Our discordant solos became one unified symphony again.  It took me awhile to truly grasp: children should never replace the love, care and attention we give to our husband.  I’m told one day our children grow up, and am starting to believe it.  They are not given to make strangers of us or dull us, but rather to sharpen and enhance what has already begun.

Exhaustion is real, I know.  It is not an eternal excuse, however.  We miss sleep for football games, favorite television shows, another chapter of our book, and an extra cup of coffee.  Can we not sacrifice sleep for love?

Often I forget to make our bed.  The past couple of days, a little small fairy, with one missing tooth, has secretly been making our bed and tidying our room.  I think of her humming little self, smoothing back the covers and fluffing the pillows.  Deep in her heart she knows how much we love each other.  This messy bed speaks of love and togetherness.  Its crumpled sheets hold a secret.  I’m never ashamed they should know.  The time one of them barged in, because sometimes love has no schedule and can’t wait for candlelight and quiet, I was embarrassed but not ashamed.  He declared he was NEVER getting married, and we laughed to ourselves and held on to our secret.

Tired mamas, hold on to your man.  Don’t replace him with your baby, your phone, your mother, or your wallet.  Nurture him, because he’s hungry too.  He’s hungering for you.  When you become unavailable until an undisclosed date, he may eventually feed his soul, mind and body at some other source.  I know you feel needed every. single. moment. of. every. day.  I know you feel about as undesirable as a week-old hoagie.  I know you sometimes feel like you don’t belong in your skin.  I know you bear the marks of motherhood in so many places and in so many ways.  I really get how a hoodie and stretchy pants are the outfit of choice these days.  I understand how the thought of making sandwiches crosses your mind much more frequently than the thought of making love.  I totally understand.

Yet I implore you to safeguard this secret with your life.  Never share it with another.  Always, always, whisper it frequently to each other.
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Set me as a seal upon your heart,
    as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
    jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
    the very flame of the Lord.
 Many waters cannot quench love,
    neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
    all the wealth of his house,
    he would be utterly despised.
-Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Five Little Minions

We have woken up to snow so many mornings this winter!  Today’s snow dumped another six to eight inches on top of what was already there.  A couple of weeks ago, the kids made a fabulous three-door hobbit home in the front yard.  Hours upon hours were spent carving it out of the snow with my garden trowel.  I love their creativity!
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After hours in the snow, hot tea or hot chocolate are a welcome treat.  Elsie is my usual tea-girl and loves it just like her mama.
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Last weekend we finally were able to meet the newest cousin on the Weldon side of our family!  Taylor Grace fought her way out of Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and is home and smiling!  What a treat to snuggle and love her in person.
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We celebrated Christmas Part III, since she was admitted to the hospital Christmas Eve.  It was simply delightful.
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One of our favorite gifts: five little minion hats, crocheted by Aunt Heidi!  They are a scream.
January 2014

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A collection of life through the lens of my phone:
January 20141

What My Husband Did Behind My Back

Some days hit you like a blast of cold water being unexpectedly tossed over your head during a hot shower.  Usually motherhood is  a series of such moments, as startling as a scattering of sharp legos all over a bedroom floor: you know they’re there, but you can never be quite prepared for their sting.  Such was Friday.  Actually, ever since Tuesday my brain had been thinking it was Friday.  When Friday at last arrived for real, I was ready for it to finish its comic series of events.  At the time, they were not-so-funny events.  DSC_9383-2DSC_9371-2DSC_9388-2
During nap time, Betty came wandering downstairs to where I stood in the kitchen.  She sidled up next to me, smoothed her hair and said with a coy look on her face, Is it perfect, mama?  I looked a bit closer, thinking she had wet her hair in the bathroom.  Nope.  There was no hair to wet.  She had given herself a generous haircut, right in front.  Perfect wasn’t the first word that came to mind.

A teeny tiny part of her bangs remain after her perfect haircut.

A teeny tiny part of her bangs remain after her perfect haircut.

My day just kept getting better.   While making dinner, which involved mixing up a batch of pizza dough, I grabbed the garlic powder to put a shake of it into the batter.  Obviously, I flipped open the wrong side of the cap, as a huge pile of garlic powder dumped like an avalanche into the wet dough.   I quickly scooped out as much garlic powder as I could, muttering under my breath.  The next best thing to do: double the batch and enjoy the garlic.

As the evening wore on, small things started to get to me.  There was mud where I didn’t want mud.  There wasn’t hair where I wanted hair.  There was arguing.  There were interruptions.  I have a spot where I like to hide in my room.  If I sink down low enough, no one knows I’m there.  Friday they seemed to instinctively find me.  Especially the nap-less one.  I felt like the mama elephant in the book Five Minutes Peace.  Eventually it became clear: There is no avoiding the masses, I thought.  It’s time to jump back in the boat.  So I stopped hiding and plugged on through the evening, mustering up as much strength as I could.

Despite my resolve to be happy when Matthew got home, he was met with a more wiped-out-than-usual countenance.  With much grace, he just hugged me.  I started going over the difficulties of my day.  He took my head in his hands and said something which really caught my attention.  It was as startling as a blinding light shining in my eyes: Aim, the kids have never complained to me about  you.  I needed to stop doing what they never do to me.  After looking at Betty’s hair, he let her know it’s not okay for her to cut her own hair, then he turned to me and said simply, She’s three!  Yes, indeed.  This will pass.  It will grow.  She learned.  Move on.

My emotions were stabling, but not quite steady.  I had one last complaint to offer my unwavering husband.  I was feeling a bit vengeful towards the bathroom scale, and did a little “Woe is me” routine.  Yes, I have been exercising about twice a month.  Yes, I am no longer in my twenties, so that matters now.  Still, I wish that scale showed me a little slack.  I was going to go to the downstairs bathroom to make sure the toilet was flushed and there was no pee all over the seat before our company arrived.  Surely my day was on the upswing.

Matthew went upstairs to get cleaned up from work and I decided to check our email before checking the cleanliness status of the powder room.  I was a little shocked at what I saw.  Next I checked facebook, and the top news in my feed was this:
Surprise anniversary gift for my wife: registering her for the Philly love run half marathon!!! She doesn’t know yet!! Wait till she checks FB or email! Let the training begin! Giddy with excitement!

Let’s just say, I had to go into the downstairs bathroom to compose myself.  I spotted a lime on the laundry room floor before walking back into the kitchen.  I picked it up and thought pretty seriously about beaning Matthew with it when I saw him.  I’m glad some of our company had just arrived and was standing in the kitchen with my sneaky husband, when I emerged.  Otherwise, that lime would have made swift contact with his head.  He grinned and rubbed the goosebumps off his arms.  Risky, risky move, buster.

Since Friday, I’ve thought a lot about difficulties and training.  Running this morning in 30-degree weather would not have happened if I had not been presented with this challenge.  (My husband knows me pretty well.)  Plain and simple, we tend to shy away from difficulties.  We want to go from point A to point C without passing through point B.  This is impossible.  We want to learn a piece of music without ever practicing.  We want our kitchen to be spotless without lifting a finger.  We want to lose weight without the sacrifice of watching our diet and putting in any effort to exercise.  I so desperately want to run 13.1 miles without having to go out there every single day and run one mile or two.  It just isn’t going to happen, no matter how much my desire is for it to happen that way.  The richness of any accomplishment is deeply rooted in the amount of time it required to succeed.

In the same way, our Heavenly Father knows what’s best for us.  He sees that finish line, so very distant from our earthly eyes.  He tells us things very similar to what Matthew has been telling me: “You’re stronger than you think, Aim.”  My grace is sufficient in weakness, Jesus tells us.  Like any good trainer, He pushes us outside our comfort zone.  That is where we see results.  When you walk the same path over and over, never stretching yourself to go a  bit further, you may miss the incredible view just up ahead.  When we run the same mile and never push our lungs and our legs past that initial burn, we never discover we have the ability to do a bit more.  Jesus totally knows how hard it is.  He never once said life would be burden-free, but He invites us to lay our burdens on His capable shoulders.  He never said He would only give us as much as WE think we can handle.  But He said “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  He will give you just a bit more than you think you can handle, so you’re stronger to go the next mile.  It’s cold, it’s nasty sometimes, but He always sticks with us.
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So I start my thirteen-mile journey… one step at a time.
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