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Everything New Today, or ENT

/ amylynw / 1 Comment

As usual, this week has passed about as quickly as the wind that whips my hair through the open windows of the car.  This phone dump is a smattering of what has blown through this week:

My life, in our van, is always noisy.  I admit, I’m jealous of folks who say their kids get sleepy in the car.  Ours tend to go a bit wild.  They tell jokes, do anything and everything to annoy their neighbor, cry, sing, tattle, and do whatever it takes to not fall asleep.  I experienced an almost-flat tire last Saturday.  When I drove into the gas station to check it out, I hadn’t even gotten out of the car yet when a very nice man started to pump up my visibly flat tire.  Turns out there was a screw in there, and was easily fixed later.

A city date with friends did my claustrophobic mommy-heart good.  There are some days when the walls of home and car seem very tight, and the expanse of the city line eases the life-is-closing-in-feeling.  We ate at an Ethiopian restaurant which served stellar samosas, delicious dinner and the most amazing coffee I’ve ever had.  It was so good, that I tried my hand at cooking it at home, with great success and happiness.

Another highlight was our 10-10 at 10:10 date to get Elsie’s cast off her arm!  With a clean bill of health, she is back to speeding across monkey bars.

This week it was an honor seeing my 4th and 5th grade teacher from when I lived in Africa.  When time telescopes like this, I shake my head in wonder at how I have such clear memories of when I was as old as two of my children.

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Other highlights include the fact that I need reading glasses.

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Yesterday, two of my accessory-loving children got into my closet.  It was a much-needed diversion from school.

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Then somehow the outfit helped Jack get through the rest of his work a little easier.

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Cooking is on an upswing for me, after a long bout in non-inspiration land.

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Matthew visited the ENT this week and found out he has a yeast infection in his throat, so he’s on medicine for that now.  His voice continues to be hoarse and he’s trying to rest it as much as possible.  Otherwise, he feels well.  In the next couple of weeks he needs to meet up with the plastic surgeon who did the surgery on his eyes a couple of years ago.  We will need to set up a long-term game plan for possible future reconstructive surgery of his sinus area.   The bridge of his nose is collapsing, and before a situation might become emergent, we need to figure out some possible courses of action.  We would love to stop the medical dates, trips to the pharmacy, and be immune to disease.  Yet, we know Jesus more through trial than through ease.  We grow when the weight is heavy, not light.  This temporary home loses much of its charm when it’s full of trouble, and our heavenly home grows more beautiful.  Knowing every situation is allowed by God who knows and loves us more deeply than we’ll ever understand, gives comfort and peace beyond explanation.  One day ENT will have a new meaning for us: that day when Jesus makes everything new.  Everything New Today… might be today!

 

Everyone Needs Paperclips

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Being a week behind in life, what was to be our official starting week of school has been pushed to next week.  It was great being able to go to Ikea and finish off the last-minute things needed to complete our new and improved school room for this year!  (More on that another day…)

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Last night I ran into staples to bind my custom-created yearly planner.  I printed all the calendar and lesson pages (to be filled in as the year goes on) and had them bind it.  It was perfect… until it was backwards.  Thankfully she was able to trim the hole punches off the right hand side and re-bind it on the left.  It was then that I was struck with the need to buy paper-clips.  In the paperclip aisle I stared at the one row: completely sold out.  Twenty-five cents for a hundred paper clips.  What a steal!  There was no way I was going to spend one or two dollars now.  Unfortunately, every other person in Chester County must have needed paperclips this week, too.  I am still a bit irritated.  We literally have no paper clips, and the people who bought them probably only bought them because they were a quarter.

Being in need of something brings out the best and worst in us.  We can either think nasty thoughts of everyone else around us who has what we wish we had.  Or, we can experience God’s strength to power through the intense hunger or need or want we may have.

I have a friend who is going through some intense need.  Four kids, no car, mold in their house so they can’t even be there… completely relying on others to be the hands and feet of Christ.  Completely dependent on what others have to get them where they need to go and give them a roof over their heads.  I know the desire is there to give up and wish those hard things away.  In our recent stay in the hospital we were also completely at the end of our own strength and ability to do life as we normally know it.  The same friend stayed up all night that first night and prayed with me through texts, as she held my hand from afar and kept me from feeling alone.  That is why I know her faith is stronger than circumstances.  Our faith has to be more than skin deep.  When we feel the initial pain of disappointment, annoyance, or unknown, how do we react?  Do we wish it all away, or do we look up and wait in expectation for how God will work out the puzzle in which we find ourselves?

When the Israelites were brought out of Egypt, God received glory.   … He saved them for His name’s sake, that He might make His mighty power known.  He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths, as through the wilderness.  He saved them from the hand of him who hated them, and redeemed them from the hand of the enemy.  The waters covered their enemies; there was not one of them left.  Then they believed His words; they sang His praise.  In three verses, a miracle of unimaginable magnitude occurred.  The sea dried up and their problems were literally washed away.  I felt a lot like this the past few weeks.  Things that seemed impossible have happened.  God’s presence was tangibly felt through each sleepless night and raspy breath.  He literally rescued us from death.  Yet the next verses in Psalm 106 are a stark warning.  

They soon forgot His works;
They did not wait for His counsel,
But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness,
And tested God in the desert.
And He gave them their request,
But sent leanness into their soul.

When we forget what God has done for us, we start walking in our own strength and become very discontent.  Over and over, the Bible tells us to remember, remember, remember.  Set up a rock and call it Ebenezer: this far the Lord has helped us.  Write it on your forehead.  Mark it on your calendar and celebrate!  Break the bread and drink the wine.  Don’t forget.  Never ever forget.  Because when we forget, we start to want what is around us.  We wish away the desert and everything hard.  We don’t realize it, but by our forgetfulness and discontent we are never going to experience the way God wants to reveal Himself to us.  When we ask for plenty, we may be given our request, but sometimes it comes at a pretty high price.

I’ve thought long and hard about the past few weeks.  Would I trade the weeks in the wilderness for something a bit easier?  Maybe no sickness, no money problems, no pain?  It is tempting.  Yet the moment I turn my eyes towards what is easy, I sense my focus shifting towards my own strength and not the Lord’s.  My soul becomes hungry and wastes away when it is not relying solely on the Lord for every meal, every need, literally every breath.  I don’t want to forget.  I fear forgetting.  That is one reason I must write:  I must declare out-loud what great things the Lord has done for us!

So whether it is food, mounting bills, a vehicle or paperclips… if we have need, He will provide.  May our souls never become sick because we rush ahead of what God is about to do.  It is incredible both to experience God’s provision and also to be the hands and feet of Christ in practical ways.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort… We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

Beauty That Outweighs

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I woke with a start to see him sitting in the chair in our room.  It was around 2AM, and his face had the look of death about it.  I thought someone had died and I quickly went over to him to see who.  He barely got the words out: I’m not doing so well.  My heart dropped a bit, and I sat on his lap with my head on his chest, which was tight for air.  His exhausted body finally relaxed into sleep and then rallied through for a few more days of work and life.

Every day is full of unknowns.  This is true whether you’re sick or well.  I remember the plaguing thoughts of “he might die from this” when he was first diagnosed with Wegener’s Granulomatosis, eight years ago.  I thought they had been banished but was surprised to find them resurfacing the past few nights.  The panic is very close to overwhelming when I go through the motions in my head.  Then I must remember I don’t have the grace to handle this unknown because it is just that: unknown.

Jesus only gives us the strength we need to bear what we’re going through right now.   It is sufficient grace, meaning it’s not meant to handle “what ifs” or my imaginings.  His grace is sufficient to handle the ache of seeing my husband not well.  It is sufficient to love him, love our children, and do what God tells me to do today.  It is not sufficient at this point in time to go through the motions of life without him, because he is still here.  Living in the land of What If is poisonous to one’s soul.  It is a misuse of God’s amazing gift of today when I go through the motions of death and depression when life is right in front of me.

I have faith that just as God’s grace is sufficient to sustain me through weeks of sickness, it is sufficient to sustain me through more than that.  I just need Him today, this hour, this moment, to hold me up and rejoice over me with singing.  Whatever your today is, even if it’s tainted with the sting of death, He is more than sufficient to calm your heart and sooth your ache.

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We wish you could see how all this is working out for your benefit, and how the more grace God gives, the more thanksgiving will rebound to his glory. This is the reason why we never collapse. The outward man does indeed suffer wear and tear, but every day the inward man receives fresh strength. These little troubles (which are really so transitory) are winning for us a permanent, glorious and solid reward out of all proportion to our pain. For we are looking all the time not at the visible things but at the invisible. The visible things are transitory: it is the invisible things that are really permanent.

– 2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (Phillips)

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Since writing this, Matthew is still struggling with something unknown, possibly unrelated to his chronic respiratory issues.  It doesn’t appear to be life-threatening, but not any of us is to say when our last breath should be.  We appreciate your prayers for joy and refinement through this time.  He is seeing a few different doctors at this time.

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I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery: this is why, this is why I sing.

-Jeremy Camp

Flying From The Croup

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I woke up at 9:00 this morning with a start, disproving the myth that moms can never again sleep in.  Take heart, mamas of young ones, it will happen again.  The sniffle and cough bug that’s been floating around our house took its toll on Matthew and I as well.  Since Matthew was feeling pretty sick for a few weeks now, he went to the doctor yesterday (who also happens to be our amazing brother-in-law) and he has what seems to be croup!  After a year and a half without being on prednisone, he is taking it for a week to see if it helps relieve the inflammation in his airways.  So far he is already feeling better and his regular voice is coming back.  It’s amazing how tired you can be when you aren’t breathing properly!

Roller-blades and skateboards have been the thing to do this week.  Monday they played some hockey with Daddy and yesterday they seamlessly played together like a real team.  Today has been another story, but it is encouraging to have days where the sibling glue is tight and strong and full of love.

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As I walked away from taking pictures of them, I overheard Elijah calling a “sports meeting” to order.  He really took Elsie under his wing and they teamed up on the skateboards.  Apparently she knows all sorts of tricks now from him, and she told him how much she enjoys playing with her nine-year-old brother.  He said he felt so honored.  The Bible isn’t lying when it paints up a picture of brothers and sisters living together in unity:  How good and pleasant it is!  

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We’ve recovered from Elsie’s knocked out tooth, and she got a good report from the dentist.  The croupy cough from Betty has improved greatly, though she kindly shared it with Jack, who shared it with me.  Thankful for many things this morning, though.  Another day to live, fresh promises that never grow old, new life, and strength for today.  Especially when teamwork needs a little encouragement.

Phone Dump:

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Accidental Gardener

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Mommy keeps getting up, Mommy never sits do-own, Elsie is singing in her little sing-song voice, as I make pancakes, flip pancakes, and feed ravenous children.  Feels true most days.  That girl is pretty perceptive.  She is also reading whole books.  She is what I call an accidental learner.  Didn’t really try to teach her, but somehow it happened.  All of a sudden she went from cat and dot, to Funny funny Jane went down with her yellow boat… or something like that.

I’m what I like to call an accidental gardener.  I tend to toss seeds in the ground, convince myself I’ll remember what I planted, and promptly forget.  I also re-potted some zucchini… or yellow squash… not sure which.  Guess we’ll find out in a couple of months!  Into the ground they went.  The tee-pee village is planted with beans, or peas, or something that climbs!  I just forget which is where.  I think I’ve mentioned before that I like surprises!

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Some surprises I don’t like in particular are those of the check-engine-light variety.  This week we’ve been stuck at home while the van was in the shop.  Then we were given the word we really expected to receive years ago: Your van is not worth fixing.  It just might crumble if they fix the list of things that need attention.  It wasn’t really a surprise, I guess.  It’s like thinking spring will never come, just because it feels like winter will never end.  Yet spring surprises us every year.  So even though it felt like our van would never die, its retirement was guaranteed.  Sixteen years old, almost 240,000 miles… it’s seen the birth of three kids and experienced the growth of five… traveled cross-country, up north, south, and west many times, and in general gets good use.  We couldn’t be more thankful.  We shopped for it when we lived in Honduras, and prayed for no one to buy it when we found it online.  Awesome story of how God provided it.  He obviously had it marked out specially for us.  And He can do that again.

After writing all of the above, life happened!  Not wanting to be known as the mommy who never sits down, today I sat down.  Not mindlessly, and not to give in to the melancholy that was swiftly setting in from anxious thoughts rising to the forefront of my mind.  I sat in the sunshine, red mug in hand, Bible open. IMG_0656

Yes, I had a chattering shadow, but I’m learning how “quiet time” in my heart doesn’t necessarily  mean it’s quiet all around me.  My eyes fell to the page, heart aching to be filled.  Hungry, like it’s been awhile since a good meal.  Colossians 3:15 filled me up: Let the peace of God rule in your hearts…and  be thankful.  A two-fold, sturdy step for my anxious heart to take hold.  First, I had to ask myself:  What else is ruling?  Myself?  Worry?  Anger?  Usually what’s in charge is the first thing that is evident to those around you and to yourself.  I knew peace was not ruling.  It felt a little bit more like uncertainty and a swiftly beating heart was ruling, every time I looked out the window at our sad, sad van.  Saying He will provide, to others, is much easier than telling it to myself.

Let the peace of God rule.  Allow it, invite it to permeate every inch of my heart.  Spread it around like flower seeds and watch it grow.  It will produce more peace every time.

Be thankful.  Oy, that’s a hard one, when all I want to do is complain, compare, and covet.  It’s non-negotiable, though.  As any grammar freak knows, this is not a question, nor a statement, nor an exclamation, but a command.  With all commands, we can choose to obey or not.  The consequences of not obeying result in all the things we fight against: complaining, comparing, and coveting.   Thankfulness brings Christ right into focus, fading out what doesn’t matter.

So, as we step into the unknown, I am reminded: my God is the God-Who-Provides.  He is never accidental in what He does.

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Up-Cycling My Day

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I took a big girl pill yesterday and cleaned. my. room.  When I say clean, what I also mean is… you guessed is… rearrange!  As I was working in the kitchen last night I grinned when Matthew yelled down the stairs to me, You’re crazy!  Elijah, always overhearing things said,  Mom?  Did Dad just say you’re crazy?  Yes, son, he did.  That is how I clean.  I must move things.  I even got brave and threw away half of my old cassette tapes.  What are those, you ask?  Take a look see:

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When I was just a bit older than my daughter, I used to record Odyssey episodes from the radio onto cassettes.  Then I labeled them, lined them up in order and made a spread sheet of my collection.  Hand-written, of course.  See, there is a bit of organization deep within me somewhere that hasn’t been zapped by five child-births and the accumulation of clothing, food, and dishes we now produce each day.  I’m always on a quest for better organization, more purging, and up-cycling whatever has lived out its original purpose.

I went to bed on a sort of cleaning high.  Then, this morning started off with crying and fighting and pee on the floor.  My clean room was quickly forgotten and I stormed around like an angry elephant.  My tea was warmed up too many times.  I got INTERRUPTED while I tried to read my Bible.  Imagine.  Then before you know it, the mayhem began again at lunchtime.  But tucked in these harrowed time slots are moments of joy and beauty within the mess.  Jack read me an entire book.  This is huge.  So proud of him!

While someone annoyed someone else, I kept my voice down, sat the culprit on the step, then we calmly discussed how the situation could have been handled better.  This too is huge.  Inside I’m a door-slammer and a foot-stomper, so when the outside stays calm, this is a huge victory that I praise God for strengthening me to do!

Betty, though potty-trained for a few months now, had been pooping in her pants a lot.  The past few days it’s gone into the potty, not the panties, and she chatters about the treat she will get after she’s done.  Two chocolate chips were never better earned!  Saving wipes and mommy’s sanity is indeed something to celebrate!

So, though every moment is to be celebrated because we’re alive to breathe it, we often don’t.  I think about Boston, and how a few runners were just about to the finish line, on the biggest high of their day, when everything erupted into chaos and horror.  Life does that to us.  We don’t know what our next moment will bring.  We can not act surprised, though when things get dirty and horrible and messed up.  In this life, you will have trouble.  But take heart, I have overcome the world!  (John 16:33)  This means that trouble is guaranteed.  But something else is for certain as well: Jesus has overcome the world by His death on the cross!  He has… it’s already done.  Since it’s a finished work, we don’t have to wallow in the darkness, sorrow, and disappointment that comes our way.  He is there to calm our voices, steady our minds, and lighten our hearts.

When a day is all wrong and we want a new one, we have to remember we’re only given today.  Through Christ, we can have courage and victory, because He already has.

Four Days in Ward 408

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The fact that I’ve warmed up my tea six times in the past four hours is not a good sign.  Neither are the blankets, pillows and bowls scattered over the living room floor.  Since Monday at 1AM we’ve had three to five kids sick: blazing both ends, fevers and weakness.  Right now the count is at five.  I’ve never experienced this in my ten years of mommy-hood.  Usually one or two at a time, but never all at once and in such an acute, long drawn out fashion.  I have been keeping it together pretty well.  Until around 10:45, when I realized it is Thursday.  Thursday over here means I better not forget to move the van to the other side of the street, or else our city gets an extra Andrew Jackson in their bank account.  Ugh.  When I ran outside and saw the unhappy yellow slip on my windshield, I burst into tears, sobbing into the steering wheel.  Don’t they know I have sick kids and can’t think straight??!!  I yelled.  Nope.  No, they don’t.  But my wonderful Heavenly Father does.

He is right here.
But I am continually with you; you hold my right hand.  Psalm 73:23

He loves them more than I do.  If I was living when Jesus was on this earth, I would have been one of those parents who brought their babies to Him, hoping He would touch them.  Luke 18:15-17

He is the Healer.
The Lord supports him on his sickbed; you completely heal him from his illness.  Psalm 41:3

He is my strength when I can’t do it anymore.
Assure me with these words: “I am your deliverer!”  Psalm 35:3
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you! Don’t be frightened, for I am your God! I strengthen you— yes, I help you— yes, I uphold you with my saving right hand!  Isaiah 41:10

So, one step at a time, we get through this trial.  There have been so many At Least moments this week.  At least I can be home and am not sick and can take care of them.  At least we have a working washing machine and beautiful sunny days to hang up wash on the clothes line.  At least we have water.  At least we are usually healthy!  God IS good, even when circumstances are horrible.  Just because we’re sick and tired doesn’t mean He took a vacation.  Just because I feel worn out, doesn’t mean He is.  He actually says that is when His strength is made perfect.  Not when everything is hunky dory and the sun is shining.  Nope.  His strength is perfect when we’re at our weakest, darkest, most vulnerable points in life.  That’s when His grace, strength, and glory really shine.

You know, this girl right here can’t handle another day in the hospital ward of my living room.  But because I have to, I’m forced to abandon my own strength and say it’s ALL Christ and NONE of me.   Hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.  Philippians 4:13

Time for a fresh cup of tea.

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A Snake in My Garden

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I have a favorite book called There’s a Snake in My Garden, by Jill Briscoe.  I remember seeing it on my mom’s bookshelf in Africa and came by my own copy later in life.  Not until recently has that realization really hit home.  Knowing there is an enemy and feeling his slithering evil are two different experiences.  His whispers are believable yet untrue.  His enticements are tempting, but always destructive.  Temptations are shiny on the outside but ugly on the inside.  Sweet to the taste, but leave us throwing up and bent over with pain.  Temptation in and of itself is not sin, but just like a seed only needs some water and light to grow, it doesn’t take much for temptation to grow into more.  The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

That is the good news.  The gardener of our hearts doesn’t turn His back on us, lock the door and let us fend for ourselves.  When we start fending for ourselves, is when everything falls apart.  Thinking I can handle temptation on my own strength is recipe for complete failure.

Jesus isn’t looking to condemn us.  He is looking to free us.  Confession and repentance lead to forgiveness and healing.  Don’t let the ripple effect of sin reach its tendrils into every facet of your life.  The yucky part is confessing our sins to one another.  Even more yucky, though, is if we don’t.

This week I’ve experienced love, healing, and growth.  The snake isn’t dead yet, but he is defeated and he knows it.  He surely wants to ruin us while he has a chance, but Jesus is stronger.  Sin is broken.  He has healed us.

Empty Suitcases

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Recently my prayer has been to change, to grow.  So He challenges me.  He pulls out all the stops until I’m left with nothing but His grace alone.  I’ve come face-to-face with the hard reality that our enemy isn’t after Christians who have everything to lose.  He’s after those who have nothing left to lose because they’ve given it all up for Christ.  Jesus is after total surrender.  I assumed that because we’re traveling to another country this week, God would keep us from sickness.  He is more concerned at honing my trust in Him than He is about keeping me comfortable.   As I washed sheets covered in vomit at dinnertime, then bathed another child reeking in their waste at midnight, I had to praise Him for the strength to do these things.  The water to wash.  The clean sheets to replace.  The comfort I could give.  As my tummy gurgles uncomfortably tonight I have to praise Him.  The other choice isn’t an option, because it will just keep me where I am, and I want to grow and change.

The suitcases sit empty, and I anticipate their filling soon.  As they are filled, I pray I would be emptied of myself so I have nothing but Christ to offer those He puts in my path.suitcase

God’s Holy Equation

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The icy air seeps through my gloves which clutch the steering wheel.  I mutter under my breath as I pull the wheel with every muscle fiber in my upper body, just to get out of the parking space.  The inside of his truck reeks of glue and wood and stain.  The darkness of the evening hides what I know is everywhere: dust & dirt from a working man’s truck.  The stick shift comes naturally, but every change of gear is a bit precarious because of everything I’m trying to balance on my short drive.  A big red plate of cookies, half-way fitting on the dashboard, slides as I make my first left turn.  Instinctively I grab it with my right, still making the hard left turn up-hill.  I quickly remember that it is a two-handed job to turn this beast, and I shove the plate onto my lap before it’s too late.  Again, I grumble at the hardship.  My arms burn from making one left turn.  I sit and think about him.

The icy feeling is in my heart too, you know, not just my fingers and toes.  This gift called marriage is work, they told us.  Eleven years ago I wasn’t sure I believed them.  How can something so amazing, so right, and so beautiful take work?  Doesn’t it come naturally?  Don’t the feelings just fall into place?  You know the answer, as sure as my arms were burning.

Sometimes the drifting is over days or weeks or months.  Other times it’s from one hour to the next.  Suddenly he’s there and I’m stuck over here and there’s a bridge somewhere but I’m too tired to find it.  I clutch the steering wheel harder, hoping my fingers will get warmer.  There’s no heat in this thing, and I keep the bad words from coming out of my mouth.

It seems impossible  not to let my feelings match up with the cold.  Like a game of memory, I flip them both over and stack them up beside me.  Inside me.  I turn them over again and again.  Before the stack gets any higher, I arrive at my destination.

Warmth overwhelms me.  Physical, yes, but it reaches into my soul.  Friends, sisters, they are changing the game.  I keep flipping over matches, but they’re the opposite of what I’ve been seeing.  Love coupled with warmth.  Another toasty card is matched up with care, then listening ears, then more love.   The unity and power of love can not be squelched.  The chill is dissipating from my soul.  My heart beats faster for him.

As I walk back to the dusty, rusty truck, I’m jolted back into winter from the brief oasis of warmth I’ve experienced.  Yet something has changed.  Love changes us.  It certainly trumps this eery, distant feeling that’s etched itself all over my heart.  I quit the game of selfishness and throw my towel at the frigid feelings trying to squelch my desire.  Once home, I crawl into our cozy bed and pray over his sleeping warm body.  Then as if from God Himself, the bridge we needed but couldn’t see from cold and selfish hearts, opens up between us.  The gap is closed.   God’s holy equation of two equaling one, melts my chill hard heart into worship.

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