wegeners

Nothing But Good Things

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

This week Matthew turned 32, meaning I have known him for exactly half of his life.  This week there have also been three incredible blessings as far as his health is concerned.  About a week ago he called me in tears, because he could actually hear me over the phone with his bad ear.  We’ve been experimenting with rubbing essential oil behind his ears, and will continue to do so.  Last weekend, he was able to see all 3 (out of 4) ENT’s at Jefferson hospital in Philly.  The ear guy is pretty sure his constant infection will clear once his sinuses get under control.  The nose guy agreed, as long as the throat guy thought putting him under was no longer risky.  After scoping him, the throat guy saw improvement from last time in his subglottic region and agreed to doing surgery.  So, on the 28th he is scheduled for a thorough cleaning out of his sinuses, and another balloon dilation of his stenotic area.  Today, he saw his rheumatologist who oversees his blood-work results and is in charge of his treatment.  He told Matthew he saw “Nothing but good things”, for which my heart is leaping with joy!  After surgery, he will begin weaning himself off of prednisone.  This all-too-familiar road is marked with many promises of God’s presence and goodness along the way.  We praise Him for today and the ability to live and breath and have each other!  This was the best birthday present ever!

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This week the crocuses started to show their happy faces in the garden!  When we were outside, unbeknownst to me, Betty picked all of them into a purple bouquet.  She came running over to me with a HUGE grin on her face.  I was very tempted to scold her for picking the ONLY flowers in our garden.  God spoke to me in that moment, through her joy and smile, and told me I would crush her spirit if I corrected her in impatience or anger.  So I knelt down and met her joyous face with my own smile.  Gratitude for her love gift made it even sweeter.
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Amidst the sweet, there is also the crazy.  If a video had been rolling  of our dinner the other night it would have looked a little bit like this:

Jack was karate-chopping carrots intermittently with a knife and then his hand.  Next to him, sat Elsie, singing “Let it Go” at the top of her lungs.  I looked across at Nadine, making crazy faces while Elijah went on and on about how her hair looks in the morning.  In addition to his narration, he continued to blather nonsense about gaseous terrain on the planet Venus.  Not to be undone, Betty stood in the middle of it all, crying with her stuffed animal in hand, because she didn’t like what was being served for dinner.  Matthew and I looked at each other.

Sometimes this is how life rolls.  It’s rough, it’s silly, it’s beautiful.  Full of good things.

Icy Poetry

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This week was full of challenges, beauty, tears and smiles.  And lots and lots of ice.
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Great cases of cabin fever produce much creativity.
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When the lights flickered off on Tuesday morning, I didn’t think too much of it.  Our power-less morning meant walking over to our neighbor’s house and warming ourselves by their wood stove.  We had two fevered boys chilling on the couch, and our day felt like it was going in slow motion.  Not until later on did we realize just how wide-spread of a disaster the ice-storm created.  Overnight, our entire area came to a screeching halt.  I only pulled out my phone camera this entire week, but my mind holds the incredible beauty in its memory bank.  One shot of an evergreen tree, encased in ice:
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On Thursday, we ventured outside of our neighborhood and drove a few miles.  Instead of typical scenery, we entered a magical, sparkling world.  Glass trees, as far as our eyes could see, covered the landscape.  I couldn’t stop exclaiming.  Looking at the other-world-like richness, it seemed like my soul sang poetry.  Words only meant for the Creator of such splendor.  Words I have no ability to write.  Now I know why crystal is one of God’s choices for Heaven’s decor.
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Who knew such beauty could wreak such  havoc?
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Yet amidst the disaster, more beauty.  Fellowship with friends who still lacked electricity.  Sharing of warmth and coffee.   I know it has been a super-challenging week for many folks.  However, it’s been such a blessing to be on the giving end of the stick.  Sometimes it can be very difficult for people in this country to allow themselves to be showered with love (or water!) in time of need.  We are naturally prideful, and it can be cloaked in the tidy words of: “I don’t want to be a bother”.  Let me be very clear on this matter: If I don’t want you to come use my shower or accept a cup of hot coffee, then I would not offer!  It was beautiful to see and hear stories of different folks bunking out at other people’s houses, or getting clean in other people’s showers, or doing laundry with other people’s washing machines.  We should both be quick to offer our help, and quick to receive it when needed.  What heaps of joy for those who are on the giving end!
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On Friday, Matthew got scoped again to see what’s going on in the subglottic region of his throat.  The doctor was pleased with what he saw: nothing worsening; small improvement; no immediate action needing to be taken.  He has two weeks until he sees the ear doctor again to see if he will need a new tube put in the one side that has been infected for a couple of months.  Afterwards, we sat down at our new favorite cafe in the city: Le Pain Quotidien.  The chocolate banana bread with caramelized bananas: amazing.
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Then yesterday, it was determined the length of hairs in this house was out of control.  Everyone got their hair cut, including mama.  At first, Matthew was going to cut my hair.  It soon became clear how very different cutting wood and cutting hair can be.  After a few snips and exclamations, which clearly indicated he did not know what he was doing… I grabbed the scissors and got acquainted with the mirror.
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Now another fresh inch or two of white has fallen from the sky, and I didn’t even notice at first.  Snow is no longer shocking, and I’m slowly making friends with it.  Underneath each snow-flake, there is dirt and life and growth.  Between cold and foggy breaths, there is great anticipation of spring in the air.  Like all promises true, it will come.  Be of good courage, and He will strengthen your heart.  Wait on the Lord.

Oscopy, Ontology, Bananafanafofology

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

Today was a great day to be in the city.  I ran back and forth from the medical building to the parking lot to add more money to the meter, as the doctor’s appointment got longer and longer.  A “quick” consult with the ENT surgeon led to seeing yet another specialist at Jefferson hospital in Philly.  The first doctor didn’t like what he saw in the subglottic region of Matthew’s windpipe.  The second doctor videotaped his way down Matthew’s throat and explained what we were looking at:

See here and here?  Those are your vocal chords.  They are supposed to be white, not bright red like that.  Down beyond this area is where you are having swelling, and which makes it hard for you to breathe.  It was fascinating.  Like our friend (who is a speech-language pathologist) described his vocal chords, they looked like a butterfly flapping its wings… except this butterfly shouldn’t be red.  The real problem lies just under the voice box, and we discussed what our next step needs to be.  As the Wegener’s runs its course, it acts somewhat like a roller-coaster: flaring up and then getting back under control.  We are hopeful to be on the downward slope right now.

As long as things don’t flare way back up, he is scheduled for a bronchoscopy in four weeks in order to closely examine the extent of the subglottic stenosis and to perform a balloon dilation of his stenotic area.  Basically, opening up his airway ever so little and hoping this small dilation will remain open… then doing it again a few weeks later if his body handles it well.  He explained it as a two steps forward and one step back operation.  He will also be seeing an otologist about his ears… which have some problems again.

As crazy as it is to keep all the doctors in order, we are so incredibly thankful to have access to these remarkable specialists.  We are thankful his eye tubes have still held up and look good a couple of years after that surgery.  We are thankful for people who have joyfully watched our children so we can go to all these appointments and for kids who come home and report having “the best day ever!”  We are thankful for being forced to slow down and recognize what is truly important.  It isn’t our car, our house, our clothes, or our status.  It is our breath, our relationships, our time and how we use it.  We know we belong to the God of the universe, the God who sees.  We don’t know when our last breath will be, but we know when it ends on this earth, our life truly begins.  Until that day, we want every moment to count.

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Flapper girl with my motorcycle man last night.

Everything New Today, or ENT

/ amylynw / 1 Comment

As usual, this week has passed about as quickly as the wind that whips my hair through the open windows of the car.  This phone dump is a smattering of what has blown through this week:

My life, in our van, is always noisy.  I admit, I’m jealous of folks who say their kids get sleepy in the car.  Ours tend to go a bit wild.  They tell jokes, do anything and everything to annoy their neighbor, cry, sing, tattle, and do whatever it takes to not fall asleep.  I experienced an almost-flat tire last Saturday.  When I drove into the gas station to check it out, I hadn’t even gotten out of the car yet when a very nice man started to pump up my visibly flat tire.  Turns out there was a screw in there, and was easily fixed later.

A city date with friends did my claustrophobic mommy-heart good.  There are some days when the walls of home and car seem very tight, and the expanse of the city line eases the life-is-closing-in-feeling.  We ate at an Ethiopian restaurant which served stellar samosas, delicious dinner and the most amazing coffee I’ve ever had.  It was so good, that I tried my hand at cooking it at home, with great success and happiness.

Another highlight was our 10-10 at 10:10 date to get Elsie’s cast off her arm!  With a clean bill of health, she is back to speeding across monkey bars.

This week it was an honor seeing my 4th and 5th grade teacher from when I lived in Africa.  When time telescopes like this, I shake my head in wonder at how I have such clear memories of when I was as old as two of my children.

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Other highlights include the fact that I need reading glasses.

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Yesterday, two of my accessory-loving children got into my closet.  It was a much-needed diversion from school.

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Then somehow the outfit helped Jack get through the rest of his work a little easier.

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Cooking is on an upswing for me, after a long bout in non-inspiration land.

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Matthew visited the ENT this week and found out he has a yeast infection in his throat, so he’s on medicine for that now.  His voice continues to be hoarse and he’s trying to rest it as much as possible.  Otherwise, he feels well.  In the next couple of weeks he needs to meet up with the plastic surgeon who did the surgery on his eyes a couple of years ago.  We will need to set up a long-term game plan for possible future reconstructive surgery of his sinus area.   The bridge of his nose is collapsing, and before a situation might become emergent, we need to figure out some possible courses of action.  We would love to stop the medical dates, trips to the pharmacy, and be immune to disease.  Yet, we know Jesus more through trial than through ease.  We grow when the weight is heavy, not light.  This temporary home loses much of its charm when it’s full of trouble, and our heavenly home grows more beautiful.  Knowing every situation is allowed by God who knows and loves us more deeply than we’ll ever understand, gives comfort and peace beyond explanation.  One day ENT will have a new meaning for us: that day when Jesus makes everything new.  Everything New Today… might be today!

 

Mangoes, Heartbeats, & IV’s

/ amylynw / 2 Comments

School is always in session, even when it’s not.  Take for instance last night when Elsie looked at me while drinking from a little milk container, straw stuck in her mouth while she talked:  Mom?  Am I drinking a cow’s pee?  I then had to explain the anatomy of a cow.  Fun stuff, really.

We almost managed to avoid visiting any doctors for an entire week.  My wrist has been acting up (has a lot in the past) and I thought it was finally time to get an x-ray.  At the urgent care, I was told it was nothing but a ganglion cyst.  Ganglion is one of those words I really don’t like saying.  I don’t mind the word “gang”, it’s kind of cool-sounding, really.  A lion is so strong and majestic.  Put them together, and ganglion is just plain awful.  It feels dreadful too.  Thankfully I didn’t need an x-ray, but Elsie is bummed we won’t have matching casts.  I’m amazed at how she has had zero complaints about her pink cast.  She rides her bike, jumps on the trampoline, plays on the playground, and has a personal assault weapon on her at all times.  2013-09-23 16.13.46
We had a fun time with Matthew’s family last night.  Jack learned how to use chopsticks.  He loves China, including its food.  Notice the concentration:
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This week, Matthew was able to bring Elijah to work with him one day.  He had an excellent report from the boss, and was a big help!
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Besides being good with the drill, he is also a handy taste-tester.  What’s an African girl to do when she has a few mangoes on her hands?  Make mango sauce, of course!  That, right there, is a small taste of my childhood in a bowl.  I’m always happy when I can share a piece of Africa with my kids on this side of the planet.
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Nadine’s  love tank is always full whenever she can hold a heartbeat with fur on it.
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She has also been incredibly helpful watching Betty each day for slots of time so I can write, cook, and do school with the short crowd.
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Today marks the second and last Rituxan treatment for Matthew.  Since I couldn’t be with him, I bugged him for pictures.   I know he wouldn’t post them himself… but… I would, because I love him so very much!  His voice is still weak, and sometimes he still is a bit tight, but he “feels” good.  We continue to pray for strength and healing!  I am so incredibly thankful for a man who never sits around (except if there’s an IV pumping through him!) and is never lazy.  He simply follows Jesus in his attitude, actions, and mindset.  I’m not married to a perfect man by any means, but he is a real man.  There is nothing remotely fantasy-related in his life.  He is all real-life and hard-core.  Grow old with me, my love!
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Not Giving In To Wimpy

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Elijah is my resident chef.  He likes to help me cook and can make pizza dough all by himself now.  Yesterday he made banana bread while I oversaw.  Once it was in the oven I reminded him that he also had to clean everything up from cooking.  He likes to “experiment” and had left a lot of egg shells and such in various places on the counter and table.  Then there was the butter, the dishes and the measuring utensils to wash.  As I directed him, in the background there were a few arguments that needed refereeing, a bottom that needed wiped, and the usual questions that needed answered.  It was an hour and a half after everyone else had eaten lunch before I finally sat down to my peanut butter and banana toast.  He must have noticed my weariness because he looked at me and said, You know, I guess that card is right: motherhood is not for wimps!  You see, a few weeks ago a friend sent me a marvelous card with that saying on it.  I didn’t even know he had read it, but Elijah pays attention to details when I least expect it.  I just laughed.  He always knows how to make me laugh.

There are plenty of days I want to give in to wimpy.  I don’t like to be strong and hold it together all the time.  Yet once I give in to those feelings, my life unwinds like a ball of yarn and tangles me up so.  Like last week, when the oh-too-familiar “I really got hurt this time” cry met my ears from the front porch.  Elsie held on to her arm and refused to let it go.  An hour later, I dropped the other four kids off at my wonderful parents’ house and drove to the ER.  Again.  Elsie and I are becoming ER buddies.  Turns out she has a buckle fracture in her wrist.  After getting it splinted at the hospital she said, Everyone will be amazed!   The next day we went to the orthopedic doctor where we discovered she needs a cute pink cast on it for four weeks.  She described it as being: Cozy and comfortable but it hurts too.  That’s how it feels.  Elijah said, Elsie really looks good in a cast!  You know, it really suits her!

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On Sunday, Matthew and I were blessed to have an out-of-hospital date in the city!  We ate at an incredible restaurant with some delightful friends.  The view of Philadelphia was unbelievable.  It almost felt like we were in an airplane.  Even the elevator ride was fun!

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Sprinkled throughout our week have been unintended haircuts, library trips, doctor visits, school, funny finds, purple peppers in the garden, and crock pot dinners.
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The latest compilation of hilarious sleeping positions:

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Last night was a hard one for Matthew.  His throat has been stable, but was pretty tight again.  This makes for little sleep for us both, and leaves a lot of room for trust.  The water is rocky, but our Jesus is in the boat and He’s not going anywhere.  Soon we will be able to rest.   For now, there is no room for being wimpy.

 

 

Everyone Needs Paperclips

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Being a week behind in life, what was to be our official starting week of school has been pushed to next week.  It was great being able to go to Ikea and finish off the last-minute things needed to complete our new and improved school room for this year!  (More on that another day…)

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Last night I ran into staples to bind my custom-created yearly planner.  I printed all the calendar and lesson pages (to be filled in as the year goes on) and had them bind it.  It was perfect… until it was backwards.  Thankfully she was able to trim the hole punches off the right hand side and re-bind it on the left.  It was then that I was struck with the need to buy paper-clips.  In the paperclip aisle I stared at the one row: completely sold out.  Twenty-five cents for a hundred paper clips.  What a steal!  There was no way I was going to spend one or two dollars now.  Unfortunately, every other person in Chester County must have needed paperclips this week, too.  I am still a bit irritated.  We literally have no paper clips, and the people who bought them probably only bought them because they were a quarter.

Being in need of something brings out the best and worst in us.  We can either think nasty thoughts of everyone else around us who has what we wish we had.  Or, we can experience God’s strength to power through the intense hunger or need or want we may have.

I have a friend who is going through some intense need.  Four kids, no car, mold in their house so they can’t even be there… completely relying on others to be the hands and feet of Christ.  Completely dependent on what others have to get them where they need to go and give them a roof over their heads.  I know the desire is there to give up and wish those hard things away.  In our recent stay in the hospital we were also completely at the end of our own strength and ability to do life as we normally know it.  The same friend stayed up all night that first night and prayed with me through texts, as she held my hand from afar and kept me from feeling alone.  That is why I know her faith is stronger than circumstances.  Our faith has to be more than skin deep.  When we feel the initial pain of disappointment, annoyance, or unknown, how do we react?  Do we wish it all away, or do we look up and wait in expectation for how God will work out the puzzle in which we find ourselves?

When the Israelites were brought out of Egypt, God received glory.   … He saved them for His name’s sake, that He might make His mighty power known.  He rebuked the Red Sea also, and it dried up; so He led them through the depths, as through the wilderness.  He saved them from the hand of him who hated them, and redeemed them from the hand of the enemy.  The waters covered their enemies; there was not one of them left.  Then they believed His words; they sang His praise.  In three verses, a miracle of unimaginable magnitude occurred.  The sea dried up and their problems were literally washed away.  I felt a lot like this the past few weeks.  Things that seemed impossible have happened.  God’s presence was tangibly felt through each sleepless night and raspy breath.  He literally rescued us from death.  Yet the next verses in Psalm 106 are a stark warning.  

They soon forgot His works;
They did not wait for His counsel,
But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness,
And tested God in the desert.
And He gave them their request,
But sent leanness into their soul.

When we forget what God has done for us, we start walking in our own strength and become very discontent.  Over and over, the Bible tells us to remember, remember, remember.  Set up a rock and call it Ebenezer: this far the Lord has helped us.  Write it on your forehead.  Mark it on your calendar and celebrate!  Break the bread and drink the wine.  Don’t forget.  Never ever forget.  Because when we forget, we start to want what is around us.  We wish away the desert and everything hard.  We don’t realize it, but by our forgetfulness and discontent we are never going to experience the way God wants to reveal Himself to us.  When we ask for plenty, we may be given our request, but sometimes it comes at a pretty high price.

I’ve thought long and hard about the past few weeks.  Would I trade the weeks in the wilderness for something a bit easier?  Maybe no sickness, no money problems, no pain?  It is tempting.  Yet the moment I turn my eyes towards what is easy, I sense my focus shifting towards my own strength and not the Lord’s.  My soul becomes hungry and wastes away when it is not relying solely on the Lord for every meal, every need, literally every breath.  I don’t want to forget.  I fear forgetting.  That is one reason I must write:  I must declare out-loud what great things the Lord has done for us!

So whether it is food, mounting bills, a vehicle or paperclips… if we have need, He will provide.  May our souls never become sick because we rush ahead of what God is about to do.  It is incredible both to experience God’s provision and also to be the hands and feet of Christ in practical ways.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort… We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.  He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,  as you help us by your prayers.  Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.  (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

We Are Glad

/ amylynw / 3 Comments

Sitting in the hospital gives you a lot of time to think.  Matthew has had a pretty good day, after a more scary evening yesterday.  Every moment is such a gift!  Finding joy in God’s word, humor in little things, and I did some push-ups and squats for Matthew.  Not exactly what the cardiac floor is used to, I suppose.  (By the way, his heart is great, it just helps them monitor him better by being on this floor.)
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We miss our babies, but are so thankful for family close by who are taking such good care of them for us.  We love flipping out the nurses by telling them we have five kids.  The boys made cards for Matthew and Elijah’s said, Be brave.

I jotted some funnies down from the past two weeks.

After explaining something to Jack, he said to me, I’ve been growing, and…I have listening ears now… Finally.

 

Betty is becoming more and more vocal.  A few weeks ago we were looking at the birthmark on the back of her arm and she said, I have a birk!  She loves to say, Hey, Mommy!  Hey, Mommy!  Over and over until I respond.  And then she’ll say it again.  She had an awful virus the past 10 days that affected her mouth, but I hear from Grandma that she is eating and talking just like herself now.

Elsie dreams of being a ballerina.  As she donned her ratty tutu and sparkly hello kitty shoes she told me how it all could go: You can put pony tails in my hair, go to the store, get ballerina shoes, and take me to ballerina class!  

As we were driving, I asked her to pray.  So she started praying and it went something like this:  Thank you for this day, thank you for our car… punch-buggy white!  And please help us drive safely…  I love her thought process!  She also is the best at playing punch-buggy!  A very observant little girl.

As we hang out, I’ve reflected over the past couple of weeks in pictures.

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Left to Right, starting from the top, here are some of my favorite memories of the past two weeks:

Reading Pat the Bunny on the front porch five times in a row.  Betty would always kiss the page with Daddy’s scratchy face.
Matthew fixed the over-heating problem we were having with the van!  After hours of grease and sweat, he beat the heat.
Our neighbor gave us their old queen-sized bed.  Around 10 PM the men got stuck half way up the stairs with the box spring.  Not only did they sawzall it to make it work, but then Matthew reconstructed it so we could sleep there that night.  It is SO comfortable and makes me feel like a queen!
Sick little Betty snuggling in aforementioned bed with sick daddy.
On good days, Matthew had been working on our backyard shed!  It looks so nice, and is almost finished!
Mint tea from our garden and God’s word is always a good way to start ones day.
Betty started to feel better and we had a fun little time on the trampoline while we watched Daddy work.
The older 3 kids were at Grandma Weldon’s for a couple of days.  When we went to pick them up, Elsie started laughing and crying all at once with the sheer joy of seeing them again!
Paleo fudge shaped like a heart.  What’s not to love?
Jack and Elsie comparing loose teeth in the car.
Being sick is no fun, but when you can lean on each other, it makes it a bit easier to bear.
A diet of applesauce and yogurt is made more fun when you can eat yogurt with your fingertips.
Free ice-cream and brothers.
Earning free ice-cream from the library for doing many hours of reading!
Riding the tricycle at Grandma’s house is better together!
Jack loves the color orange and his giant Tigger!  He strapped him into a car seat and everything!

My friend came by today and blessed me with this mug.  When I finished drinking my tea, there was my favorite verse written on the bottom of the cup: The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!  Psalm 126:3  He has indeed!

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Now I Know How To Spell Subglottic

/ amylynw / 21 Comments

A few weeks ago, Matthew and I penciled, no, more like cemented, this week into our calendar as our vacation week.  Unbeknownst to us, God had a reason for that.

This vacation finds us in the hospital with IV steroids pumping into Matthew’s body.  Wednesday night, close to midnight, his airways started to get worse.  We hopped into the van and started driving to the ER.  About ten minutes into the drive, Matthew mouthed the word “faster” to me and so I put the petal to the metal and accepted the challenge of driving as fast as I could without one worry of being pulled over.  Escorted, perhaps, but not given a speeding ticket.  I’ve never felt life hanging in the balance so palpably before, and I prayed my heavy foot would outweigh the looming reality that death was hovering.  God’s presence strengthened my shaking hands and churning stomach.

We made it and were whisked right into the ER where he was given a breathing treatment and steroids.  Four hours later, he was admitted.  Our first hospital vacation that doesn’t involve having a baby, began.  After having a CT scan of his neck, seeing a pulmonary specialist, ENT specialist and Rheumatologist, it is evident that our dear old friend Wegener’s Granulomatosis has said hello again.  Rarely does it move to the throat, but Matthew is a rare guy so it seems fitting.  Currently, he is on high doses of IV steroids to calm down the inflammation in the subglottic region of his throat (right under his vocal chords).  Technically, he has what is called subglottical stenosis , which is a lot of inflammation under his vocal chords, leading to obstructed airways.  It explains the loss of voice, steady worsening of symptoms, and hard-to-diagnose reason for his difficultly breathing.  There are a variety of treatment options, and we are currently working with the rheumatologist to decide which route to take.  It is not a quick and easy fix.  Hopefully he can be released soon to continue treatment at home, but for now we’ll enjoy the gentle beeping of hospital machines, the untimely drawing of blood and plastic dome-covered dinners.
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Throughout this experience, we’ve been overwhelmed by the love of family and friends.

Matthew encouraged me yesterday with Psalm 46 and these thoughts:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  To the extent we suffer trouble, we experience God’s help.  We can not know God’s help unless we experience trouble.  Therefore, we will not fear.

 

Beauty That Outweighs

/ amylynw / Leave a comment

I woke with a start to see him sitting in the chair in our room.  It was around 2AM, and his face had the look of death about it.  I thought someone had died and I quickly went over to him to see who.  He barely got the words out: I’m not doing so well.  My heart dropped a bit, and I sat on his lap with my head on his chest, which was tight for air.  His exhausted body finally relaxed into sleep and then rallied through for a few more days of work and life.

Every day is full of unknowns.  This is true whether you’re sick or well.  I remember the plaguing thoughts of “he might die from this” when he was first diagnosed with Wegener’s Granulomatosis, eight years ago.  I thought they had been banished but was surprised to find them resurfacing the past few nights.  The panic is very close to overwhelming when I go through the motions in my head.  Then I must remember I don’t have the grace to handle this unknown because it is just that: unknown.

Jesus only gives us the strength we need to bear what we’re going through right now.   It is sufficient grace, meaning it’s not meant to handle “what ifs” or my imaginings.  His grace is sufficient to handle the ache of seeing my husband not well.  It is sufficient to love him, love our children, and do what God tells me to do today.  It is not sufficient at this point in time to go through the motions of life without him, because he is still here.  Living in the land of What If is poisonous to one’s soul.  It is a misuse of God’s amazing gift of today when I go through the motions of death and depression when life is right in front of me.

I have faith that just as God’s grace is sufficient to sustain me through weeks of sickness, it is sufficient to sustain me through more than that.  I just need Him today, this hour, this moment, to hold me up and rejoice over me with singing.  Whatever your today is, even if it’s tainted with the sting of death, He is more than sufficient to calm your heart and sooth your ache.

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We wish you could see how all this is working out for your benefit, and how the more grace God gives, the more thanksgiving will rebound to his glory. This is the reason why we never collapse. The outward man does indeed suffer wear and tear, but every day the inward man receives fresh strength. These little troubles (which are really so transitory) are winning for us a permanent, glorious and solid reward out of all proportion to our pain. For we are looking all the time not at the visible things but at the invisible. The visible things are transitory: it is the invisible things that are really permanent.

– 2 Corinthians 4:15-18 (Phillips)

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Since writing this, Matthew is still struggling with something unknown, possibly unrelated to his chronic respiratory issues.  It doesn’t appear to be life-threatening, but not any of us is to say when our last breath should be.  We appreciate your prayers for joy and refinement through this time.  He is seeing a few different doctors at this time.

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I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you’re walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day where the very One I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery: this is why, this is why I sing.

-Jeremy Camp